And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles, it’s a very, very
Mad world, mad world

“Mad World” Gary Jules
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces

It’s definitely a mad world I have been living in! The majority of the madness is by my choice, rather it’s my actions, reaction or environment that is the source. I choose to indulge in the madness that surrounds me.

That’s what it is! Madness, insanity. Making the same choice over and over but expecting the outcome to change.

That’s just how I roll bitches

Life and my general attitude is a lot more laid back than last week. I’m nowhere near as bitchy and prone to screaming, crying or smashing shit. I attribute this to starting my monthly courses (imagine that said in the most snobby southern drawl) meaning the rant about possibly getting knocked up is just as I suspected, not necessary.

Deep down I can’t help but feel a little disappointed. My biological clock is running the fuck out. Obviously I know this is a horrible time to get pregnant. Holy fuck, married and pregnant by another man!!! Too bad Jerry Springer is fucking dead, I’d get my own show for sure! Not too mention the potential father is just as fucking lost as me. I’ve no doubt that he would be thrilled to get me pregnant though, he’s made comments that have made that clear.

As much as we secretly want it, we don’t have a clue what we would do. I know the reasoning is the same for him, he feels like he is running out of time. Yes, we get along and I think we would be happy if it happened, but I don’t know if it would be a great idea. God knows what we kind of parents we’d be? We can barely take care of ourselves! Plus, I would hate to have that be the only reason we stayed together. I’d for once like someone love me for me, not out of obligation.

Well the other night, despite my reservations, i went to staywith the BF after my nap. I’m glad I went, everything was perfectly fine. Did our usual partying and were able to talk like always. Had damn good sex, several times. Mainly since he ended up not going to work and instead he stayed in bed with me all day. All in all, it was pretty damn good visit.

I can’t help but feel like I’m losing control of everything. I’m happy with the way things are going for the most part but I can’t help but think that it is going too fast. There’s a lot of “I love you’s” being thrown out there. I know that we do love each other, but I don’t know if we are in love with each other or in love with the idea of being with someone and not being alone. Hell I’m not sure what to think or believe anymore because I still don’t trust myself. I can’t deny that I care about him, that he makes me happy and I want to be around him. I love the way he talks to me, fuck it’s so cheesey but he makes me feel better about myself. That I’m still smart, pretty, sexy and not so much of a fuck up. I love him for being the only person who is on my side completely.

Here lies the madness …

I can’t help but wonder… damn it. Problem is I can’t stop myself from feeling like he is only telling me what I want to hear. Fuck, he knows me well enough. We’re enough alike that he can see the best way to win me over. He is just as lonely, horny, starved for attention, affection, and desperately wanting someone to love, just like me. Just like the getting pregnant thing. We both secretly want it, we both feel like we are running out of time. How much is all of this us settling for what is available versus what we want?

Damn it. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just accept that it is not a game, that it’s possible that someone can love me for me. That I can be happy with someone who is able to know me, the real me, and still care? If anyone out there knows me, the good and the bad, it’s him. I can see us being together and I can see us being happy. I can see us having a future. I think I always have had in some way known he would be a perfect match for me. Even years ago, when I couldn’t think of him like that because OMG it’s ***** He wasn’t on the list of people who I could or would fuck. Gahhhh I am a stuck up evil bitch for saying or thinking this, but I didn’t think he was good enough years ago. I thought he was great – smart and funny and yeah I genuinely loved him. I knew he wanted me and I took advantage of it. It’s sad, but one reason I never went there is because I knew that I would get all kinds of shit about it. I couldn’t admit I was interested because I was too busy worrying about what people would think.

I’m an interesting mix of insecure little girl and snobby, know-it-all, stuck up bitch. It’s a huge contradiction of personality traits.

I still have no fucking clue what I am going to tell people. My parents? They are clueless to the fact that I could do this. My best friend? I don’t know what the hell to say to her! I can’t imagine her reaction to this shit. She’s a big fan of the husband and she is totally against the FL and my talking to him. On the other hand, I am pretty sure that she would prefer the FL over this guy. Fuck. She’s almost as close friends with him as me. She won’t believe that this was even possible any more than I did. OMG and the fact that I have feelings for him and it’s not just a few hookups? That shit will be more shocking than if I told her I was a lesbian. Everyone is going to think I have been lying and it’s not something that just happened. It is not so bad now, but the longer I wait to tell everyone the more guilty it looks….

As much as I love the FL, I’ve never had any real feeling or belief that it would be possible for us. I have gotten very close to him and these past few years I have been able to get to know him better than I ever did as a kid. But, I can’t see myself being able to talk about most of my problems with him or truly be myself. Not the way I am with the BF. I’ll always be afraid of what he thinks of me and scared of not being good enough. I love him, I’ve wanted him for as long as I can remember. It’s sad as shit, no matter how hard i try, I can’t help but feel that realistically, except for the sex, we don’t have any basis for a relationship. We may have a lot in common from the fact we grew up together and have a lot of history. I do think we love each other in our own way. Unfortunately there are certain things, important things, that we aren’t at all alike in. Love, commitment and all that shit are prime examples of the way we have completely different beliefs and values.

Thing is I can see the way it could be with the BF quite well. I think we would love each other, have good times and be happy. I can also see us screaming and fighting and being extremely bad bad influences on each other. I am confident that I can not save him, just like I am confident that I can not save myself. He made an amusing drunk comment about me taking charge of his life or something. Absolutely hilarious request BTW! I would like to state for the record that I’ve been trying to tell him what to do for fucking years now and he has never once listened.

I mentioned that the relationship was progressing pretty quickly. It is understandable in a way. We have a lot of the usual prerequisites in dating and relationships already covered. 25 years of friendship will do that. I don’t doubt that he cares, but I hate that I don’t know if I can be sure of the motivation behind the whole thing. Not for either of us. I don’t think I should be jumping from a marriage, to an emotional affair with the FL, then directly to a new boyfriend that happened to be my best friend for years. I still haven’t had time to be alone or enjoy being single. Then again, in a way I have had plenty of time. Fuck, I have spent the past few years doing nothing but think and evaluate my life. I might not have dated around and explored my options and slutted it up like I was going to. But do I really need to? I’m not in my twenties, I know what I want and need in a man. If I have found a good guy, why should I wait to pursue it?

The BF has made a lot of comments about the future and us being together. Not just for awhile, but for good. Today he was even talking about the fact that he wanted to admit that we are dating to his parents. I love his folks, and they actually have always loved me. I’m sure they suspect that we are fooling around. But I don’t know what they will do when they find out that their son is with a married woman. They are not exactly young and have very conservative beliefs. I don’t want them to hate me. Especially if things go wrong or he gets dragged into the divorce.

I know that he is one of those people who gets caught up in the moment. Especially when he’s been drinking. Like most people he has a tendency to talk a lot of shit and make promises that are completely true for that moment but not necessarily true in the long run. I don’t think every thing is just drunk rambling between us. I’m not stupid though, I’m not basing our relationship on the stuff we say when we are drunk and getting chatty after sex.

See, I also have a lot of experience with talking a lot of shit when I was fucking trashed too. Who hasn’t? We all try and be our absolute coolest, confident and most awesome version of our self when intoxicated. Drunks can be just as vicious with their words as they can be charming though. The truth hurts and some truths are only admitted by the very drunk. Alcohol strips you of inhibitions, more than any other substances in my opinion. It gives you the courage to punch out the asshole who insulted you at work (or wherever) Confess your feelings to the person you are in love with. Then again… On the flip side you can also tell your husband that you are fucking some other guy. Or tell your best friend you secretly hate her brother because he spies on you when you are in the shower. Spill your guts to your crush that he’s cute but you hate the way he dresses and his car is ugly.

When you get completely wasted you can go on your blog and post your drunk rambling for the whole world to see!

You try and stay anonymous, mainly out of embarrassment for not letting people know just how fucking  crazy obsessed and weird you really are. Though nothing you have said or done is in the least bit interesting, controversial or original at all. But damn it, the feelings that you shared were real and yeah, maybe you wanted to say it to someone else, but you can’t. So you come here and say what you can’t say, no matter how drunk you get. The stuff you do not even want to really say. Because you don’t know what is true and what is just in your mind sometimes. How much is your fear and how much is fact? Does he love me? Does he love me not?

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