Finally! Something new to bitch about

I’m sure that I will be equally obsessed and repetitive with this as I am everything else

I started to read through some old posts and decided I really do need to do a revamp for the blog. A lot of it is very repetitive and could easily be combined. I’m amazed that I have not already given up on the damn thing, hell, I’ve probably had 50 other blogs over the past 20 years. None have ever had anywhere near the success of this one.

Meaning no one ever read them to my knowledge!

So the 50 subscribers I have is pretty awesome to me even if it’s a drop in the bucket compared to the “popular blogs” with millions of followers! That does rule out starting a new blog and internet persona if I want to keep my small account of loyal readers. But I kinda like Samilynn, it’s pretty much me with a nickname. I don’t ever lie on here, the name is just because I have this linked to my Reddit account. Writers have used pen names for centuries, I am merely protecting the people I know from how crazy I really am hahaha

And it begins…

I decided to go ahead and do my Tarot cards tonight, lunar eclipse and all. I can’t say I really believe in Tarot or Astrology but I have always found it interesting. I have seen some interesting things that really makes me wonder if there is anything to it. But whether it is true or not it is great for killing time.

Which I have a whole lot of time to kill these days.

My Tarot spread as I interpret didn’t answer my question but it confirms what I already know

Covering me is Wheel of Fortune- Life must go on, the wheel crushes us all and everything ends in order for something new to begin

Chariot is crossing me, determination, necessary choices, conflicted emotions, struggles

Below me, The World. Culmination of events, opportunities, change, ending and beginnings, renewal of life and starting over

Above and behind me is isolation, introspection, self discovery, seeking inner peace and wisdom, looking forward

Ahead is the one card that is pretty much the worst of all in my opinion. Judgement. Being held accountable for your choices and getting what you deserve. Not always a bad card, sometimes you get your rewards. Somehow I don’t think that it is going to be the case for me.

The outer cards are equally intune with the situation, new love and romance, beware of tricks and gossip from friends, self doubts, more about getting in touch with your inner self and trusting your intuition as the final outcome

7 out of 10 major cards is very unlikely if you look at probability and statistics. 78 cards, 22 are major arcane, 56 are suits. You do the math. Traditional interpretation of a large amount of major cards means that the course is set and outside influence is a strong factor in the outcome 

It’s close enough to my question and my life that it’s one of those time when I wonder if its not all bullshit

I’m in a failed marriage that is ready to end. I have been spending a lot of time questioning my decisions and making self discoveries. There is a new love interest. I do have conflicts and struggles, and I certainly do have some serious choices to make. Plus I have no doubt that the judgement is coming soon, especially when the latest decision is made public. I’d say that’s pretty damn similar to what the cards said.

But as much as it relates to the situation in question, it answers no questions. I don’t need a tarot card to tell me things are changing and endings are inevitable, that I’m in a new romantic relationship or that I am in need of some serious time to think. That eventually I will get what is coming to me.

The only anomaly is reverse magician. One I usually never use reverse cards. My deck doesn’t have the reverse meaning, I know them of course, but I never use them in my readings. One popping up is weird. 

REVERSE MAGICIAN- may refer to a person who is trying to trick or deceive you or self doubts and illusions to overcome. It’s basically a beware kind of card, and in this position it is definitely pointing to a particular person that is not what you think.

Hmmmm

So many people that come to mind!

Is it the ever lying and shady husband? The FL who seems to sense my recent lack of interest and is stepping up the game? The BF who suddenly seems to be all I could want?

#3 is my guess - it is too good to be true. I know him and he is so much like me... we are both very much a hot mess and one of us will fuck it up. Probably me. Just my prediction.

Of course it could be a person that I am not even considering? Maybe even just a message about not letting the opinions of the world dictate my mind or letting myself get disillusioned with other peoples actions.

Time shall tell. 6 months is usually a good duration for a reading to pass. Check it out in September.

The laws of threes

I still don’t know what is wrong with me that I thought I should have an affair with my best friend. Or what is going to happen. I still don’t know how to explain the situation with the FL and how easily I have been with another person.. Fuck it all, out of the three men I’m involved with, the only one I can be sure of is the husband. I know that he is not the one I want. I know that it is 2 years now and I have not done anything. I have bitched and complained endlessly and accomplished nothing. I can honestly say that I am completely over him and I don’t want to stay. I don’t want to fix it. I don’t want to try. I just want him to leave and let me get my life together.

It’s sad how much time I have spent wasting my life with this shit.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I have no idea what is real. Its really fucking with me. I read all the posts about the FL and I have no idea if I was just using him as my ultimate distraction. Another addiction to help me to cope with the real world. OK yes, I do love him and I would be lying if I said that I didn’t. He was my first love and I’ve never really quite gotten over it. So im pretty sure that I was not entirely lying to myself and I did want to be with him finally. But how much of the past few years of us being in whatever weird non relationship/emotional affair was based on love or was because of my life going to hell and my heart being broken by the end of the marriage I truly thought was the one good decision in my life.

No matter how much I want to end it and move on… a part of me still mourns the way it was. I didn’t want it to be like this. Fuck it I know that it is dragging on because I can not quite bring myself to finish it. Maybe that’s why I have done this with my BF. He’s here, we’ve been out in public and all over each other. This is not going to be a secret for long. Maybe subconsciously I knew it was the one way that I could ruin my marriage and make him understand that I am done. Maybe that’s why the Judgement card popped up.

What does this mean for the BF? Is he just a convenient person to be with and make my point to the husband. My subconscious revenge? I am not sure… I don’t know anything anymore it seems. I’m not sure what I feel about him or the FL or if I even want either of them. I have been lonely, neglected, starved for attention and affection. I’ve missed the feeling of being loved or at least desired. I missed sex.

I really don’t have any doubt that I do love the FL. I always have and always will. It was easy to fall back in an old habit with a love that was familiar and comfortable. The timing was perfect. I’m not sure if it was all real, but I know that it wasn’t all lies. It was a good distraction, a lovely little fantasy to obsess over instead of thinking about the failure of a marriage. I have no doubt that if he were here and not living hours away that we would have been together long ago. I know that I keep him away because I don’t want him to be disappointed in me or find out the truth about the things I do.

As for the BF. That’s still the mystery. I know it’s a lot of me being lonely and its convenient. He’s around, a long time friend and partner in crime and wine. I know that I love him as well and I am lying when I say I never thought it possible. It’s crossed my mind in the past but I didn’t want to admit it. I know that he might be the best choice out of my three options and I can see it becoming a real thing. God knows that we have always had a connection. It has been ridiculous how easy we have been able to make the switch to a couple.

God I’m so sorry for the fact that I am so indecisive. I have no business being involved with any person let alone two. I did my best to avoid the kinky shit with the FL when he was messaging me earlier. I don’t know what to do about it. I know that it is not right to keep fucking THE BF and talking to the FL all kinky sex stuff still. I don’t know what to say honestly. It’s a weird screwed up situation. I don’t necessarily owe either of them but I can’t help but feel guilty.

Today if I must choose, I pick the BF. he may be just as fucking crazy as me but out of all of them he makes me the happiest.

I have not been happy in a long time. I don’t know if I’m going to fuck everything up even more or what but damn it, I’m tired of being miserable. I’m picking a new one, old friend or not, this is new to us both. Maybe it’s not a big mistake but a new chapter for us both.

Hell I’m sure I’ll change my mind tomorrow and I’ll have all new paranoid theories on the situation tomorrow…