Random memories, important firsts, updates on life and continued sexual frustration

Interesting fact about me. I have a super good memory for important dates. Birthdays, anniversaries, important events and random memories… for whatever reason I am great about knowing shit like the fact yesterday was 30 years since I lost my virginity. Today is an ex boyfriends birthday. The 8th is the day I spent my first night in jail. The 12th is when I lost my kitty, the 28th when I lost someone I loved and officially started to lose my my mind…. anyhoo I could go on and on! October seems like it’s always been a busy month so to say!

Busy and kinda unlucky! The whole losing my virginity was… yeah, a really fucked up situation that would make an interesting lifetime movie or Netflix documentary on teenage girls with absent father figures and the dangers of peer pressure at that age. (My first time was totally consensual -though I was way too young and honestly wish I had waited) then later on the jail thing. That was also quite a horrifying, life altering events, definitely not my best moment. Or my best mugshot.

There’s other birthdays, a few other guys I dated, a few friends I’ve lost. Then there’s a few friends that passed away in October. Namely the 25th and the 28th.

I have this list. It’s the people I love the most in the world and at the top are the ones whose death would be unbearable. That would break me. Well. This person I lost was on that top list. After a lot of other events that year, lies and slander, losing my job, the first time I honestly admitted to myself that my husband and his alcohol problems were not a phase… and the first time I really considered leaving my husband. After losing one of my furry babys on the 12th that month a few years back. This was quite the unexpected death, amazingly not an OD. A condition or something that was usually not fatal. That set me over the edge and started my descent into self destructive behaviour and escape from reality.

So yeah, looking back… October is not my month!

Time, time, time. See what’s become of me.

Sure I’ve quoted that before, but whatever. Its late and I’m #buzzedblogging which I’m claiming as a thing if no else has!

Life is certainly not very entertaining at the moment. Same shitshow, living up to my current life motto “bad habits and denial” oddly enough a song quote by someone other than Strung Out! Sadder, depressing music is pretty much the only thing that has changed recently.

My life is on some giant pause. I don’t know what I am supposed to do with everything. How to get out of this mess. I just don’t see any way out. Or nothing plausible. Nothing that I can afford that is

Fuck. I can’t even successfully get rid of a guy. My crazy is not enough to scare him away. The worst is I’m finally outstubborned. Fuck. I hate admitting that he’s got me beat on that. Plus his complete refusal too admit he is wrong in any way. That’s another “Sami thing” for sure. I’m never wrong 😇

😂😂😂

The only really smart option is drastic and not something I could back out of if I change my mind. I’m not sure if I can make it

There’s the selfish choice. Leave with no warning and abandon my responsibilities, life, family, friends blah blah blah

Then there’s the last resort which would probably be the reason and financial backing for the selfish plan. Which is… Finding some guy to take care of me. (Not the FL, I don’t think I would ever go there for escape) I have been very popular online and irl, plus as a southern girl I was raised in the art of manipulating men’s affection. I’ve even narrowed down a few potential targets.

But no, no. I don’t want that. Easy and convenient as it would be. I won’t keep making all the same mistakes again. I refuse to leave my marriage only to have another man boss me around. I will take the super drastic option before I let anyone else have any control over me.

What to do? What to do?

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