PT 1 – A FEW DAYS AGO

I just don’t know what is wrong with me this week. I’m not sure if it’s the upcoming eclipse, some astrological configuration that is fucking with me, PMS, hell maybe I did end up getting knocked up? All I know is I’ve been extremely depressed, short tempered and crying non stop.

Last night the BF called when he got off work and invited me over. I wasn’t in any mood to stay here and listen to the family bitch so I told him to come get me.

Now, I’ve mentioned that the BF and I have been friends for years. Like a lot of long-term friendships we have not always stayed in close contact. Hell in the past few years I have barely spoken to anyone! I won’t go into detail, but while I was hiding away, he’s been through a lot of horrible stuff. Seriously life altering kind of experiences that make my divorce seem trivial. It’s definitely messed with his head, guys got some serious PTSD. It made selfish little me feel awful when I heard about it and then guilty when we started talking again about the fact I was too busy whining about my shitty life to bother giving him a call when it happened.

The BF has always been, well in some ways a real asshole. Short tempered, self centered, stubborn, loud, rude. Ya know, a lot like me. I’m a bitch too. I know that a lot of his bad attitude is a front for the way he thinks he is supposed to act as a man. His attitude has never been a big deal for me, usually it just amused me. No matter how much we argued and fought, I didn’t take it personally. Like recognizes like. I know that underneath the asshole facade he’s really quite sweet, caring, generous and loyal to the people he cares about. He’s not a bad person by any means, he’s just got no filter.

When I first started this unplanned affair, I was surprised that it didn’t get all weird and that it hadn’t really changed much. There were some things that were different of course. We were more conscientious about the niceties. Stuff like calling each other regularly, setting up plans as opposed to just going out on a whim, making an effort to look cute instead of just jeans and t-shirts. The little stuff that’s more dating than hanging out getting shitfaced.

Last night was the first time I noticed a real change. Not in a good way.

In defense of us both, we were both kinda cranky. I’d gotten very little sleep, and I was in a shit mood from the endless drama here. He’d worked all day and was tired from his lack of sleep and own drama. Neither of us were able to shake our cranky moody bullshit and we started taking it out on each other. Something we’ve done plenty of times before, get wasted and bitch. This was our first time since we started dating or fucking or what the fuck ever. It’s not the same anymore. Everything is taken way more personal.

Night started out OK. Had some drinks, dinner,  watched a movie. Agreed that we were going to just drink and smoke, no other party favors since it’s been hard to get sex when we’re both fucking trashed. I think it’s given him some kinda complex about sex because he can’t fuck me till im unconscious after 12 hours of drinking and partying. I have told him that I get it! I may not have a penis but damn, I know that it is not his fault. I know its been a few years since I’ve had sex, let alone drunk sex, but I know what the hell whiskey dick is. I’ve never gotten mad or bitchy about it. But I have gone so long without any sex so yeah, I am extremely fucking horny and want him to fuck me repeatedly, all night! Not a problem at 20, not so easy at 40+, and on a lot of drugs and drunk as fuck. So like I said, issues. Sex between us is starting to feel like a competition, or that it’s becoming more about performance than just having fun.

I know that it must be overwhelming to have to deal with a girl who hasn’t been with anyone for years and is desperately horny. I was a bit miffed for the first week or two that he wasn’t able to fuck me all the time but I also didn’t know that he had medical issues that affected his life like that. We may talk about most everything but, yeah, no guy wants to go on about his sexual dysfunction with anyone, let alone a female. I wasn’t aware of that particular area till recently.

Once I got all the details and we talked about it. I’ve tried to play it cool and let him take the lead. I know that he is feeling  a little inadaquent or some macho bullshit. That the defensive attitude is to play off the feeling of not satisfying me. He even said that in not so many words. So yeah, I get it. But I’ve also missed the physical contact of being with a guy that I was interested in. I’m affectionate. I like cuddling, holding hands and I have missed that as much as I missed the sex.

Last night, after we had sex we decided to go ahead and make that call. I was just as guilty of wanting it nor would I try to dictate the way he acts or what he wants to do in his house. I know that he is just as bad as me when it comes to addiction. I can’t judge and I don’t think any less of him for it. However I knew it was a bad idea.

And, of course, I was right and it went to hell.

After sex and a cigarette we were on the couch and I went to lean my head on his shoulder. Thats when he started to lecture me on how he didn’t like that way I was all over him constantly. That it annoyed him when he was getting fucked up and ruined his buzz. Basically that I was being clingy and too touchy feely

I was already in a shitty mood and emotional and that just did me in. I tried to play it off at first, then I couldn’t help it and started crying. Of course he immediately apologized. Looking back I know that he didn’t mean it to sound as hateful as it did. He’s one of those people who have never heard of tact. A month ago had he snapped at me like that I would have been yelling right back at him instead of crying. I’m not sure how much of my reaction was because I was already weepy and emotional and how much was my feelings being hurt.

Obviously when you’re fucked up, you don’t want people hanging all over you. I have been there myself so in a way I get it. That’s fine. But the way he brought it up, well the whole thing made me feel like I was bothering him by touching him and showing affection. He already had given me a weird complex about the sex thing, but now I can’t touch you? Uhm no.

The whole evening was just hell after that. He apologized but after everything I did or said was taken out of context and we just kept at it and sniped at each other the rest of the night. I know a lot of it had to do with us getting the other stuff. Adding extra mind altering substances on top of an already cranky, overemotional drunk is not good. By the time morning came around we were still arguing and he was still getting pissed at every little thing I did. Finally we laid down to sleep and talked a little bit and apologized again. When I left this afternoon it was on ok terms but now I feel like I have another damn issue to deal with. I already feel like I have to tip toe around the subject of sex, now I feel like I need permission to touch him? Uhmmm wtf am I having an affair with him again for?

Yes yes I know. Poor guy has a ton of his own personal shit going on. He went through a traumatic fucking event and he is still suffering from it. I can’t blame him for not liking being touched suddenly. I see the changes in him and the way he jumps at loud noises, he is totally fucking PTSD positive lol I don’t know want to add to the problem.

At the same time I don’t think I can handle this shit. I was completely against the whole thing to begin with. I finally broke down and got involved despite my misgivings. I do love and care about him, I think I could fall in love with him and be happy. But I don’t know if I can be happy with someone who is so callous whenit comesto my feelings. I have this odd sensation that I am looking in a mirror when I see the way he acts sometimes. Its disconcerting. I see some of my worst traits in him. I know that he didn’t mean to be a dick and that it was taken too seriously on my part. It still hurt my feelings.

UPDATE: a few days later

Well the fight with him? Shit that was absolutely nothing compared to the hell that followed.

The husband and I got into a huge, huge fucking fight. I don’t even want to get into the details because honestly it’s the same thing we have fought about a hundred times before. Money. His treatment of my family. His drinking. His asshole fucking attitude. I don’t give a fuck about his life and his fucking bullshit story and bullshit lies. I do however care about the shit he has done to my parents. He has not given two fucking shits about the fact I go and spend the night with another man but God forbid I ask him to come off money that he owes to my family. He fucking took off and didn’t come home leaving me with no money, no cigarettes and a highly pissed off parent. I couldn’t care less about the fact he didn’t come home. I did care that he didn’t send the money he was supposed to. During my rampage I found out that he’s changed his address and he has changed all his bank accounts ( like that is going to stop me!) I can only hope that this means that he will be moving out soon!

But I’m probably not that lucky. Mother fucking asshole is never going to leave. Why should he? He’s got it made! Aside from the crazy wife spending his money and smashing his stuff (that was a first time thing, I’ve never destroyed anything except maybe a phone or glass I threw at him)

Boyfriend #1 the FL

Can you say GUILT TRIP? Damn all these boys for knowing me so fucking well.

I still have not figured out how to tell him about the fact I am fucking another guy. Oops. I’ve been trying to not be around when he messages and pretty successful with avoiding the sexy time talk  mostly Go me!

Problem is that he suspects something is up, I can tell. Since our argument over me not coming home or talking to him when I was gone, obviously he has been all sweet and loving. But it is beyond the usual charming flirty “you still love me even though I am a dick” sweet talkin. This is talking about buying things for his house that I’ve talked about wanting, telling me that he wants to spend time with me, having real conversations about non sexual topics, asking if I love him, talking about our first date well, ever. Telling me he loves me and I am his. Fuck yeah he’s worried about me with another guy. He’s really pulling out all the stops.

Why the fuck does he always do that shit? The minute I get any kind of feelings for another man he flips and tries his best to charm me into wanting him. A couple months ago he was being pretty distant and mainly when we talked I got maybe 5 minutes before he started getting kinky. Now he’s all about me and him and making us sound like we’re going to be together and whatever.

Obviously everything that I have always wished for, and I am an idiot that keeps thinking that this time it’s going to be the time it finally works out. We will live happily ever after and all that nonsense. I can’t believe that I am still so utterly stupid over him. I have not learned anything in like thirty years almost? Oh my fucking God, am I doomed to always just fuck it up between us? This will be something that he will never forget, his favorite new “I was right all along, I knew it!” speech. Especially since I have already lied about it. What is he going to think when he finds out we’re dating or something? That I am not just fucking him, it’s serious.

I am a horrible person and a huge fucking coward. I’ve thought of a good excuse for not talking to him often and not about sex at all. I can blame it on the husband and the divorce. Say I am not going to drag him into any of this so I need to cool things off. Or I can claim I am going through a lot of stress and I’m not really into talking to anyone. Definitely assure him that I am not mad or anything, he’s not the problem. It’s nothing personal. I love him and everything.

It would probably work. For awhile.

The truth will come out eventually. There are no secrets here and I think this one is pretty good too gossip-wise. Me having an affair with him of all people!? There’s going to be a lot of assumptions that we always have been screwing around on the side. There’s no way anyone will believe this is the first time it’s happened in all these years. I can only hope it will not be dragged into the divorce and courts.

Speaking of the boyfriend #2 aka the best friend BF

Since our little tiff, hmm 4 or 5 days ago now, the first incident described in the post. Everything has been going fine with us. Another one who’s being very sweet of course haha Funny how sweet the guys are when they know they done fucked up! But yeah I am going over there tonight. I am kinda thinking about calling it off just because I have not gotten a lot of sleep and I am definitely having PMS or going fucking crazy. I don’t want to spend another night fighting.

I’m still not sure what to expect from him, it seems very serious very quick. How can it not? Seriously. We don’t need months of dating to get to know each other, we’re already halfway to most of the requirements for being in a relationship. Except prior to this, ours didn’t have the complicated aspects that come with involving sex. And yes. I have learned that lesson. No matter what, having sex with your best friend of the opposite sex is going to change things. It’s inevitable.

I think my best option is to just stop with the paranoia and analyzing shit to death. Stop taking everything so damn seriously. Stop being annoyed at him for doing the same thing as I do all the time. Self centered. Not take anyone’s feelings into consideration but mine. Try and remember that it’s not any easier for him. Stop trying so hard to play girlfriend and just have fun like before.

Well it’s naptime! Enjoy the Eclipse my friends ♥️🌘

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