Translation:
Easy is the descent into hell.
That’s the title of today’s blog.
Pretty fair representation of my life and attitude right now.
Plus, a kick ass quote!
Mainly I think it is important to make a post tonight. I have been so fucking lazy lately. If I can’t manage to at least blog about my misery and the self-destructive, downward spiral into madness… well fuck. Something tells me I need to address all this shit, even if only to myself, before I completely lose my mind.
Here’s not just a song for the day. Here is a motherfucking playlist because it is just one of those days!
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=aXAU4MmMIMo&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=pJAZ-jJqLMo&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=I7rCNiiNPxA&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=_NWjehpGSO0&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=JT2SsWOCoEw&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=6tfId0RTTng&feature=share
It is hard to describe how I feel right now. I feel so much sometimes! And yet so little at the same time.
It’s like that scene in Titanic, where Rose is talking about how she feels like she is screaming at the top of her lungs in a crowded room and nobody notices, nobody cares. That’s how I feel. To look at me, I seem fine. In my head, I’m screaming.
I’m just in such a state of, almost shock. I can’t even describe it honestly… Maybe paralyzed by indecision? Fuck it, I think I am just scared.
Paralyzed by my fear more than anything else… I think I might be starting to get it finally. What is wrong with me that I have lost so much of who I was. Why I stopped caring.
I can admit it now. I am completely and utterly fucking miserable. I have no interest or desire to live my life. I hate my life, I hate what I have done with it, the choices I have made. The fact that I am too stubborn or too proud to admit that I am wrong and have been wrong about so much for so long,
I know what is wrong with a lot of things. I can even pinpoint a few crucial moments in life that I really fucked up. I can even tell you what it is I need to do to start myself on the road to redemption so to speak.
BEST SOLUTION!
Get the fuck away from everybody.
Seriously that would be the best plan. I have already learned that particular lesson, I am smart enough to know that it won’t solve my problems. Fuck me though! It would make things so much easier if I could just take off and start over. This is where it would be perfect to go running away with another man. Ideally the FL as he is only a few hours away and duh. I love him. But again. Older and wiser enough to know what a disaster that would be to even try. There’s always the option of finding another guy to take care of me… but that is really defeating the whole purpose of my splitting up with the hubby.
That’s part of what I am so scared of. Maybe even most of it.
Being alone.
Having no one to take care of me.
Silly, isn’t it? I am an adult. I certainly am not a stupid person and amazingly enough, I can take care of myself.
Not that you could tell any of this by my behavior recently or reading this!
Not gonna lie people, I am a fucking hot mess at the moment. Just in case you were wondering if this is normal behavior and all. It is not! I swear, I don’t know where it all went so wrong and where I stopped living and just started existing. Actually… maybe I do and just don’t want to admit it… How long it has been since I stopped caring.
MUSIC BREAK!
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=UgmY2sB71Hc&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=l2cXXdCIClI&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=c08HNApcVvk&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=r3zno8qbcJo&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=2WOx4U3sCuQ&feature=share
So. What to do?
Continue to sit and whine about it or grow the fuck up.
That is what it really comes down to, growing up and doing what is right instead of just getting by and doing what is easy. Much easier to just keep on, keeping on. Drinking. Drugs. Unfortunately, not sex, just a whole lot of fucking sexual frustration. I blame that and stupid hormones for clouding my mind with thoughts of the FL, the oh so convenient person to have an affair with.
But no! Bad Sami! No fucking the ex-boyfriend no matter how good of an idea it sounds like after a few drinks or right now when I’m particularly horny.
I could go find some stranger? Someone I don’t know, have no expectations from… That would ultimately be my best decision. I have been so uncontrollably horny it’s RIDICULOUS. Before I could just go have sex with the hubby, maybe have to have a few fantasies before to get me in the mood. He isn’t bad in bed by any means. It’s just… well it’s married sex. It has gotten boring over the years. Ya know?
I am not sure if that’s why I am so obsessed with a boy I used to love so long ago versus the man I am married too.
Sex.
Hormones?
Because God damn it! I want the other one so much it literally fucking hurts. I don’t want to go fuck some stranger. I want him to be the one who kisses me, touches me, makes me cum. Damn it all to hell! I haven’t been this worked up since I was a teenager. Maybe it is just hormones fucking with my head? All I think about sex and how much I want it. But not with my husband.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK
What is wrong with my brain?
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=jahDav6WvQs&feature=share
Ok so, yeah, Blah blah blah I am a hot mess and extremely horny and extremely scared to do what I need to do.
Which is?
As exciting as the prospect of running away is… It is not exactly logical. For one I have nowhere to go, nor any money to go anywhere. That does not make for a good escape plan my friends.
I suppose there is rehab or going to some mental home. That would probably be my best bet for an emergency escape. But again, not exactly an option as I have no money or insurance.
So, what to do.
First things first.
Stop being so scared and indecisive. Quit being such a baby and just do it already, Fuck it. Enough is enough.
I need to just break down, write out some paperwork and tell my husband I want a separation. I hate his drinking. I need to get my life together. The fact that I am even considering wanting sex with someone else is an obvious sign that this marriage is not going well. Whether it’s me, him, his alcoholism, my addiction, whatever. It just isn’t working. Maybe we grew apart. Maybe we need time to decide?
Maybe it is just over, and I need to accept it and move on.
No illusions, no expectations. Just start over and pick up the pieces as I go.
Write this off as another, albeit longer than most, chapter in the never-ending fucking saga that is my fucking life. Try and move on and learn something from it if nothing else. Something to help convince myself that this past 15 years has NOT been a waste of time…
One final musical interlude before I call it a night and edit the latest shitshow of a blog post!
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=1HFBFeq6Kxo&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ti1b-RRBjI&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt6Lkgs0kiU&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=LyoiGuw6BOs&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=QTqIekuHdcM&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=b-I2s5zRbHg&feature=share
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=J_eGtGdhHbI&feature=share
Much thanks and love to anyone who bothers to read this!
Either you are as crazy as I am or just really bored! Whatever. I appreciate it ❤
Here’s one last song from the soundtrack of the Samilynn Saga!
BuzzedBlogging and Bitching 