Oh yeah,  that would be me.

A few days ago

I have been told that quite a few times today on Reddit and whatnot.

Oh and I make really bad decisions.

Really really bad decisions.

Case in point, the BF. I love him to death and I am not sorry for doing this. I knew it was a risk. I just wish I had known that it would be so damn complicated. I figured it would be interesting and probably a little crazy given the parties involved. I don’t think I ever imagined that he would be able to get to me like this.

I should have.

After all… Who knows me better?

Who else can piss you off the way family can? You have to know what buttons to push and you can not do that if you don’t know someone intimately.

I figured the fights would be intense. I had no clue. As usual. Idiot! Stupid Stupid Stupid Girl!

Fuck up #1 was thinking I would have any sense of control.

Fuck up #2 was thinking that I could do this and not have feelings.

Fuck up #3 is putting up with the bullshit

Best friend was loud, obnoxious, arrogant and overdramatic. Boyfriend version is also these things but throw in over-emotional, demanding and neurotic…. he makes the FL seem kind and loving in regards to the fucking mind games and competition to always win.

A few drinks and days later

Ughh… so horrible. But the BF has always been one of the few that is smart enough to get over on me. That’s one of the main reasons I have always loved him. I loved our little verbal battles, I hate admitting it but yeah, he has won his fair share. The FL can get me emotionally with no problem, very rarely has he ever challenged me intellectually. Now I’ve created a monster that is a worthy competitor in both.

Fuck fuck fuck

Stupid fucking moron. What is wrong with me that I keep doing this shit? Why do I put up with drunk asshole men?

There’s been a few arguments about this one. BF wanted me to assist with a few things and I promised to help. Thing is both times I have been utterly wasted drunk and not slept yet when he finally called in the favor. I tried to explain why and I got 2 sentences in before, BAM. “You don’t care, I can’t count on anyone” blah blah blah, bitch bitch bitch

Best friend me would have laughed and told him to chill out. Best friend him would not have sent 17 text messages proclaiming what a bitch I am.

Seriously?

Motherfucker thinks because we are fucking that I’m going to put up with that? I have to say, yeah, I’ve been more apt to bite my tongue at first. Yep. Not anymore. I let him have it. Again. I mean, honestly. He really thinks that the sex matters that much? I could have fucked any number of people who would have been happy to fuck me and leave with zero drama or feelings. The FL would be down here right now if I wanted. How can he think that mattered? Yes I wanted sex. Fuck yes. But I chose him because I loved him already, maybe not like that, but I cared a lot. I trusted him, I didn’t think he would ever be able to hurt me.

Fuck me, I’m still an idiot.

I think I always will be.

Damn it all to hell.

So what do I do? I didn’t want to ruin our friendship over this shit. Fuck, we’ve been friends for so long damn it. I’ve very few people who I like and very few I can tolerate let alone talk to. Everyone has taken the hubby side in this. Fucking Everyone. I think I would have left years ago if I hadn’t been convinced that it was a horrible idea by another “good friend ” He was literally my only friend who had my b

My friends will be the death of me

I guess it’s a one line paragraph kinda night.

Damn it. I don’t want to stop. I like having a place to go, a person to talk to. Sex. Even if he has started acting like he’s bestowing some favor by doing it. In spite of the crazy and hateful shit he pulls, I can’t help but still love him and his twitchy PTSD ass. I know he’s not handling the shit he has going on very well and fuck, I don’t blame him. I would be a hot mess too, hell I already am a mess and my problems are nothing compared to his. I’ve no doubt he loves me and half the shit out his mouth is just lashing out. Much like me.

It’s a HUGE pain to see your own selfish self-centered behavior in action and realize how horrible you have become. I am not going to put up with it… so I say. Fuck though, who am I to judge?

I suppose the difference is I don’t take it out on him, yet. I like having a person who loves me and wants to be with me. He does. Most of the time. Damn it. It’s the 25% crazy fucking asshole that pisses me off. It just isn’t in my nature to be… nice? Understanding? Quiet? Submissive? I don’t know.

I thought I could actually be happy for like 2 fucking minutes. I thought I had found a person that could be trusted, someone I would not have to lie too, I could be myself around and all the shit that encompasses. But no, I think it was all of 3 weeks before we were fighting and fussing. I know he’s convinced that it is a lot more to do with me getting laid than anything else but the truth is probably more me being extremely wasted, horny, lonely and he was convenient and familiar. I couldn’t bring myself to cheat with a stranger, the FL was a risk- both in expectations and heartache. The fact is he was there and I was ready.

I looked at the husband the other day and I felt like I was looking at a stranger? No. You don’t feel that kinda hate for strangers… anyhoo, he was getting ready for work and I was laying on the bed watching him. Pretty much trashed – it’s a blessing and a curse that your husband has a portable mini bar in his backpack- listening to music, Strung Out of course. So. I was laying there smoking a cigarette and suddenly this feeling of utter contempt and hatred overwhelmed me. I had this crazy thought that I had never seen the man in front of me before. Obviously this was one of those side effects of not having slept in days plus massive amounts of alcohol and various narcotics throughout. The whole thing was very surreal, not quite de ja’vu but something similar. It was both an oddly familiar feeling and something like a sudden moment of clarity. Like. Oh yeah. I knew that!

I just don’t know what to do. I’m so stuck. I want him gone but I’m scared. Damn it. I am. Maybe that’s why I am so quick to replace him. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to try dating again, fuck that. It’s probably why I am involved with guys that have been around for years. The same reason I listen to music from my teenage and twenty something years. It’s all part of my life that was before the husband. I swear on everything, I know that I loved him and I married him in good faith. I truly thought we would be happy. I may have had a few moments of doubt, and damn it I might have had a few moments when I wished more than anything that it was another person who would be waiting at the end of the aisle. I cried for what might have been, but I don’t think I ever loved the husband any less because of that. I had accepted my fate. It wasn’t meant to be, love just ain’t enough, love the one you’re with…. etc etc so on and so on.

I recognized a kindred soul in my husband and I fell prey to my fatal mistake in love. I settled. I loved him, just like I love the BF. It was safe, he was someone who could handle the crazy that came with being with me. Most importantly, he was… submissive? Complacent? Someone I loved but never enough that he could win if it came down to it. The same guy I’d been dating since I was 17 and met **** who took me out to bars and had his own apartment versus the FL who never invited me anywhere and barely acknowledged my presence. I go from the drunk, alcoholic husband to the drunk alcoholic best friend turned boyfriend? Another person I love but ultimately another one that was just fucking convenient? After all, the husband was literally, the boy next door. I was ready to join the nunnery after dating a slew of idiots. I met the husband by chance, a hot summer night, after a year of  celibacy and hiding in the house* – focusing on another college degree never to be used. Within 8 months we were living together and engaged to be married the following summer. After all, I was almost 30, it was time to settle down. Right?

*Obviously hiding in my house is a long time habit, so is voluntary celibacy.

I tried for so many years, God damn it, I tried. I think I knew after the first year. Fuck. Maybe before. But I wanted to believe, I wanted so hard to believe that I had not fucked up. I had found that person who would always be there and always put me first. I can almost pinpoint the moment it all fell apart. When I gave up. Not just on him, but gave up on everything. It wasn’t till the FL sparked my interest that I could admit that  it was over.

I don’t know why, but the BF has brought up me getting back with the husband and the sanctity of marriage blah blah blah I guess it’s some insecurity thing or whatever, or maybe he just doesn’t listen either, but no. Nope. Not a fucking option. I may be scared. I may lack conviction. But I know in my heart that it is over. It hurts. It’s scary. But I know it is the right thing to do. For everyone.

Circling back? What to do?

BF: I am not having fun anymore. Stop taking everything out on me. Yes I wanted sex but no, sorry, you’re not who I wanted? You have no idea how much I cared about you too do this! I expected better from you. I thought you were safe, I thought you were going to make me happy. Instead you just make me cry? Wtf?

FL:Sorry I accidentally fucked my best friend. Be a dear and wait around for me to figure this out. Oh yeah. Love you!

Husband: Get out. Don’t forget to send money.

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