Two for Tuesday Blog: Includes R&R Post and New Perspectives!

October 25, 2022

Still the same old girl you used to be…

Same old story. Still can’t admit my feelings. Still gotta play the “cool girl” always gonna pretend it doesn’t matter, that I don’t care.

Gotta play that game baby!

Was reading over some old journals again. This time for info on another ex lol but just random curiosity! Not seeking him out to reconnect or anything.

Obviously reading through the journal, I got to see a lot of posts about the FL; how it started and progressed as the years passed. It’s really almost scary how similar some stuff is to what I write now.                                                                                                                                                                                            

I really have forgotten a lot over the years. Certain things I remember like yesterday, other things I have no recollection of. People I used to be so close too, but barely remember now. Not just boys either lol

The really sad part?

The really fucking sad part its taken years to figure it out…

I have just spent an hour reading story after story about getting invited to parties, late night phone calls that lasted hours, waiting for me at home, showing up just as I am getting home at 3am. So many conversations that I have no memory of. Times when he was sweet, times when he asked me to hang out, times we actually hung out together. Him asking about my other boyfriend, asking me to break up with him. Telling me he knew I loved him and me asking if he loved me and him telling me he could. So many things I never paid attention to and forgot long ago. Easier to write him off as an asshole, right?

Much easier than admitting what a coward I was and still am.

I was just as much of a bitch to him as he was an asshole to me. In fact, I was worse in some ways. I went on and on in my journal about how much I cared and should tell him how I felt. But I never did admit it, not till years after I was married. Way too late. Who is the commitment phobic idiot now? I did my best to pretend he didn’t mean a thing to me, ignored the fact he was constantly showing up wherever I was, was never really with anyone else. I wonder if or how many times he ever tried to tell me, and I just wrote it off as him being drunk and made some snarky comment. Obviously, there was at least one conversation, I wouldn’t have written that down if it wasn’t true. How many times did I ignore the obvious because I was insecure and scared!

Question is.

How long am I going to do the same thing?

The bigger question…

What the hell is wrong with me that I am more concerned over the feelings of this guy when I am still very much married to another?

Damned If I Do. Damnded If I Don’t

I still haven’t told the husband. He even tried to play sweet the other night. Maybe if he had not been drunk, it would have meant something. Harder to resist and giving in, trying to talk.. I felt sad and guilty. I still couldn’t bring myself to care, or actually care enough to try and meet him halfway. It’s too little, too late. I did not feel like wasting my time with his completely drunk ass.

If all eventually goes to plan. I will move forward with the separation though. I will probably be horrible and take the cowards way out and write a letter and attach it to the separation papers.

Soon as that happens and I am officially free? Even I am taking bets on how many HOURS it’s gonna be before I am call the FL to get his ass here and fuck me.

Sleeping with him would be such an awful idea, as explained here in the R&R Section coming up. This was one of those letters you write, that you never send. But it is supposed to help give you closure or whatever

Most likely it was a drunken rant in my case, but still

Bad bad bad Sami! That is a horrible, awful, no good idea. DO NOT DO IT!!

No matter how much of a horrible idea it is. I know my dumb ass will eventually give in. I always have. Always will.

Just like I will always love him, seems I am always destined to play the fool for him as well

Lucky me.

Originally posted 08/23/22

(A letter to the FL I wrote but obviously will never send)

Letter I will never send…

To my favorite mistake.

Chances are slim to none you will ever see this, but here’s all the stuff I should say. The stuff I would say if I could learn my damn lesson, especially when it comes to you. Always you.

First off, when I become officially separated, I must break it to you. The chances of us having sex are nonexistent.

Or should be

I want to. Oh, I really really do. So much it hurts sometimes. It would be an awful idea. I may just forget to tell you and hope you don’t find out.

Why would I not want to tell you?  Mainly I think anything that happens will mean more to me than it ever will to you. In case you thought I was joking. I do love you, I always have. I don’t think I ever got over you, no matter what I said or did. There is no way I’d be content being with you for only sex. Maybe once or twice to get it out of our system. Maybe at 16 I was nieve enough to think that mattered and was able to settle for our on and off thingy. I couldn’t do that now. Not with you. I’d always want more. Which would mean that we would have to start dating, like a relationship. Whatever you want to call it. I’m not saying I would automatically want to move in and get married. I’m talking about normal shit, like calling each other, going out places, spending time together that doesn’t involve sex Maybe I sound silly, but I want a chance with you. It might be a disaster, but I don’t want to wonder about what might have been forever.

Problem is, I am in no way ready for anything like that. Yet I could never settle for a casual relationship. It really pisses me off. The person I want most to fuck is the last person I should.

Sometimes I’m convinced you probably don’t have any clue what you want either. I’m right about what I said too. You are scared. You always have been. Scared of letting yourself care, scared of getting hurt, scared of what people think…

You’ve obviously capable of relationships with other girls. You tell me you love me, you have been for years now. But if you loved me, wouldn’t you want me there? So, what if I’m married, the way we talk all the time? I checked, we have talked every day or at least close to it since beginning of May. Damn you all to hell too, but I’ve somehow managed to do the one fucking thing I swore I wouldn’t do. I fell in love with you again.

I didn’t mean to! It’s weird, but it seems like I was finally starting to get to know you. Which I am not sure I ever did. At least never in any kind of friend capacity. I’m shocked that you actually can hold conversations about something other than sex. Even more shocking. I actually like talking to you. I realized you’re not just an egotistical pretentious asshole anymore. That you do have feelings, even if you are still shit at expressing them. I find myself wanting to talk to you. Thinking about you when I see something funny we talked about. I wasn’t lying. We are having an affair in every way that counts. Except physically. Super fucking Ironic.

The other day, after looking at my journals and seeing the fact that it had been two days (and twenty something years) since we first had sex. Well of course I couldn’t help but mention it and totally planned to mess with you. But oh no, you had to get all fucking weird and moody. In all this time, you have never really talked about your ex, so I was trying to be supportive and respectful when you brought it up. I’m not 16, I am not crazy jealous anymore.

That gets you to start it on love and how it’s just not for you. You are single and you plan on staying that way forever… and no matter what you’ll only end up hurting women who love you. You’re happy alone, too lazy to go out and find someone. Not that you couldn’t! Oh no, females from 25-65 all over the state are just lining up to get at your fucking cock.

Gimme a break. You are just not that fucking hot. In fact, most people agree that my husband is much more attractive than you. I’m sure you could go get laid, but I don’t think you’ve got quite the selection and it would take more than just hitting up a dating app.

On the other hand, you like talking shit to make me mad. My reactions amuse you. So, I’m beginning to wonder if that little conversation was an indirect way of telling me you’re not interested in any future relationship with me or testing my reaction to the subject. Why else bring this up? With me?

Seriously. Why? Why all this time will you not just let me go already? You started this, again. You are the one who stayed in touch. I was doing a great job of trying not to care and just be friendly. But you are like a fucking shark. You sensed I was unhappy and decided to remind me that you are there. Why did you do this? Talk to me, say all the shit I waited so long to hear? Why did you make me care all over again? Are you just bored? Am I just another way to pass the fucking time till you decide to go out and find another girl? Am I someone to spice up the hours of watching porn? As always sometimes it seems I’m nothing to you but a girl you like to fuck. Someone who plays pretend girlfriend but is no threat to your precious freedom. A real person to fulfill your need for female companionship and make you feel manly or something so you can jack it off without feeling like some creepy old guy alone in his house. I’m in ******** and you’re 300 miles away or something. Plus, best of all I’m married so no chance of anything else, especially when you were still messaging me when you’ve had girlfriends…

My god it’s been over twenty-five years! Do I not deserve a chance? Am I never going to be good enough? Wtf? Don’t you think we should at least try? I can’t explain why I care; I can’t explain why after 25 fucking years you still care enough to talk to me. Don’t you think we should figure out what exactly keeps bringing us back together? Even if it’s just sex?

Are we just going to spend forever wondering what if?

Always

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