Stories of Wine, Woman and Blogs
Revised and Reposted Entries from the Former Blog “Cats Coffe & Crack”
July 7
Post 3 “Lose Yourself”
Much like my main character in my book – the latest in a long line of obsessions I have tried losing myself in – I am definitely an all or nothing kinda girl. When I start with something I tend to go all the way. On the other hand, I am a very flighty person in spite of everything and am easily distracted.
For example, writing a book. It’s always something I dreamed of but never thought possible. Maybe it was timing or growing up? I never could write before, but suddenly I seem to finally get it.
Sometimes anyway…
I guess it’s just that I always pictured writing a story that would rival all the books I loved so much. It never occurred to me that I would be better at writing about real life and God fucking forbid LOVE
Wtf? Granted I’m not writing one of the predictable Harlequin romance novel, aka soft core porn stories for bored housewives. Mine is I guess contemporary romance? No witches. No vampires or ghosts or anything supernatural. It’s all coming from somewhere else, the extremely repressed me who has always been a romantic? I’m not sure but I don’t want to give up.
*A/N I have not given up on my book. But yeah... Have lost motivation!
Maybe one day…
All my life I gave up, on everything from hobbies to dreams to people. All from fear, fear of rejection. Fear of telling people what I really think. Talking to the inspiration behind so much pain and dramatic hair pulling scenes actually managed to make me think of something. Everyone around me does hold me back. My friends barely can stand the fact I somehow managed to hold on to a husband. One who may be a drunk, but doesn’t abuse me, doesn’t hit me, doesn’t cheat – to my knowledge anyway. But I attribute this to laziness more than anything. However, it is still more than any of them managed. It’s never far from conversation about the many reasons I am probably living a lie or something.
No. Our marriage isn’t perfect, I have moments like now where I think I should end it. NOT to be with anyone else, especially commitment phobic former lovers, but because I am unhappy. I really am. I feel like time is running out for me, if I don’t do something now, I’m going to end up old bitter and full of regrets.
On the other hand, I didn’t marry this guy for any reason besides I loved him. It wasn’t revenge or anything else, I loved and love him. Sometimes people grow apart though. Is that really anyone’s fault?
Hypocritical as it may be, I cannot take the drinking. I want more from life than this. Does that make me a bitch?
While speaking to the person who has inspired several lust filled fantasies and panty ruining memories, I was expressing my extreme sexual frustration. Ever the gentleman he offered to come here. I’ve no doubt in my ability to convince him to do this, probably with little effort and most likely more than just once. I replied about not having a clue if it would help or not.
I really don’t. Maybe the reality would overcome the fantasy and would stop these traitorous feelings.
Maybe it would make it a 1000000000 times worse.
I just don’t know anymore, I don’t know any more than I did at fifteen it seems.
So, I will continue on in limbo, doing nothing either way, because ultimately, I am to scared and confused to know what I want and it’s easier to just keep up the status quo.
I will however keep writing, maybe this is something I will get right? Maybe I will fail miserably? But I owe it a shot to try and to not give up. I’ve given up enough, I think…
Revised & Reposted 10/15/22
I love watching the progression of my attitude! A month after I decide I am unhappy and finally admit it to myself. What do I do? Decide to ignore it.
Why I thought that would work I am not sure. Maybe since I have been doing it so long? Pretending it is all good when really it is not?
DAMN! I am one stubborn fucking bitch. Still can't admit it, even though I am miserable, that I might have fucked up.
Is it a fuck up? How can we throw blame? We both have problems and addictions. We both have grown and changed over the years? Is it anyone's fault we happened to grow apart?
My main reason of the continuous statements about loving my husband, and why I married him. Well I think it is trying to convince myself more than anything that I wasn't an idiot.
Was I?
I don't think so? I do love the hubby. I did want to marry him. Maybe it was that point of my life that made me want to settle down... Ya know? Going on 30... But the hubby wasn't just someone to take care of me. If so, I would have picked someone with a lot more money haha I cared and still do care. We do make a great couple in some ways.
But in others, well we don't exactly bring out the best in each other. Too alike in some ways! Too stubborn, too lazy, too complacent.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be?
Maybe it just wasn't meant to be forever?
Only time will tell.
BuzzedBlogging and Bitching 