I was not a big fan of the hippie jam band phenomenon, I was always more your loud and angry punk rock type but growing up where I did, I was still forced into listen to that hippie shit lol mainly at parties or various love interests aka guys I wanted to fuck. So it was inevitable that I’d come across a few songs I actually liked.

Hallucinated green light
And I slammed on the gas
My performance ain’t perfect
But it’s loud and it’s fast
Set sail for the new world
And I burned down the mast
Well, it wasn’t the first time
And I know it won’t be the last

Can’t get high “Widespread Panic”

The important ones always have one common theme, my pride is always my downfall.

Guess that’s my fatal flaw. My #1 of the Seven Deadly Sins.

I complain a lot about how stupid I am and how I keep making the same mistakes over and over. That’s definitely true in a lot of things, but I have made some fucking progress. I have learned a few things in my 40-no-need-to-be-specific years on this planet.

Unfortunately none of those lessons are apparently about my taste in men.

BF made a joke like thank god for him I’ve got “daddy issues” hahaha I don’t know if it’s necessarily that but he’s right. By all standards he is definitely not an upgrade from the husband. But the thing is logic and reason flee when the heart is involved- said someone famous once upon a time

Of course the more he points this out, the more stubborn I am. There’re probably no better motivation to do something than to tell me I’m wrong and can’t do it. I set myself up to be hurt because reality is that there’s a 50% chance this ends without either of us having a choice in it. I’m getting myself involved with someone I may very well lose. It’s a hard truth. I know why he pushes me away sometimes. But you know me.

Lost cause and all.

Nothing Sexier.

Plus nobody is better at avoiding reality than me. Right now he is what I want and I am oblivious to whatever consequences might come from that choice.

Nothing and nobody has made me happy in a very long time. I’ve drank and drugged myself to oblivion and now I still do, I’ve just found my partner in crime. Someone who knows how lost I am because they are lost too. Someone who understands what it feels like to feel hopeless with no idea how to fix the mess you have made. He sees me and still loves me. Everyone else expects something from me, with no regard for what I want. They only see what they want.

So yeah he’s fucked up and crazy like me. He makes me laugh, he pisses me off and annoys me, he makes me feel like I used to. Alive. Not so disconnected from the world. He’s made me care again.

I love him for that. I just hope I won’t hate him for it one day.

After all, he tried to tell me.

Fucking asshole will get the ultimate “I told you so” to throw in my face for years if so.

Damn it

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