All last summer, in case you don’t recall
I was yours and you were mine
Forget it all
Is there a line that I could write
That’s sad enough to make you cry?
And all the lines you wrote to me were lies
Months roll past the love that you struck dead
Did you love me only in my head?
The things you said and did to me
They seem to come so easily
The love I thought I’d won
You give for free
Whispers at the bus stop
Well, I’ve heard about nights out in the school yard
I found out about you
I found out about you

“Found out about you” Gin Blossoms

Short and Sweet, Snarky as Ever

Laying in bed with the BF. After a week of him being crazy, I managed to get him in a mood to see me.

Times like this I just don’t know. I came over last night despite the fact most the week he’s been icky. Motherfucker of course had to be sweet as shit. I don’t know how much of it is knowing me, knowing what to say, how to handle me? Playing the game, Like me. Winning the fucking game as here I am naked in bed while he snores. Ugh. What it is with these vodka drinking, obnoxious snoring asshole moron men? Obviously I’m an idiot.

But fucking bloody hell. Maybe he is using my game against me? So what? I love the competition. I love that he gets me, I even love when he wins. God forgive me, I do. I think it’s hot.

We had hot fucking sex. OMG. Holy fuck. Again. Props to you BF and your big cock, talented tongue and for making me cum so hard I almost black out and see stars. A++ my friend and my love. You continue to exceed my expectations. I love you for it.

I do. I love him for a million reasons. Maybe he’s using the fact he knows me best to his advantage, well fuck. He’s doing a damn good job. Cuz as much as I love the FL, this guy is slowly making me think about us being together for real and the hundreds of ways he is so much better suited for me. Despite the attitude problem, which is not all on him. Boyfriend is messed up for sure, my twitchy PTSD fucker. But God fucking knows if anyone can understand mental illness it’s this crazy bitch. Like the uncontrollable rage, mood swings, frustration and taking it all out on the people around you.

We had a great time tonight though. Drinking, dinner, staying up late talking. I even told him about the FL, he knew that I was in a sorta online affair the past few years of course. But he didn’t realize that I was with anyone important to me. Or how crazy it is that he was the one I picked. I straight up told him I had planned on being with that guy. To ask my sister once we finally tell people that we are dating to explain just how fucking significant it is that I chose him.

All in all, that made him pretty damn happy. He had already apologized for being hateful and his lashing out. I know he doesn’t mean it but I told him that it is not fucking cool. Stressing the fact that because he knows me, he has the advantage of being able to hit me where it hurts. I may love him but I can’t handle being in a relationship that brings more misery than happiness – maybe not in those words, but thats a good summary. Lord knows if it will have any impact.

Twitchy fucker is probably more arrogant, snobby and self involved than me, however with an even bigger neurotic and manic side. We’re both an interesting combination of vain and insecure personalities. At this point I still think our friendship could be salvaged (depending on circumstances) Even if it ends tomorrow he will always be a part of my life and I will always love him for the years of friendship. For being the one who has listened, who knows my dirty secrets, my selfish, addict, criminally inclined, bad self and not judge or care any less because of it.

It’s so hard. I want to believe what he says. Why do I always have to pick everything apart? Why can’t I accept that someone can love me? I know he’s not the fantasy lover that I dreamt of. Seriously, I don’t think any guy could live up to that shit. Laying here I find it very easy to love him. There’s always been that connection, that way years can go by never seeing someone and when you see them that awkward feeling isn’t present, you just pick up wherever you left off. Some people are just like that. Maybe it’s some weird past life shit? Maybe we’ve known each other before? Who knows? But I see a future, probably a tumultuous future between us, but more than I see with anyone else in my life.

I just don’t know though. I want to believe him, I’m sure most is true. Everyone exaggerates and flatters, him more than most people because he’s that kinda guy. Which is where that advantage of being someone I’ve trusted and confessed the shit no fucking person knows. Is it awful that I think he is using that advantage because it’s what I would do? After all, I know him pretty fucking well too. When we fight I pull out all the stops too now. That nonsense about hoping I get run over a few weeks ago? OMG how fucking crazy am I? I knew damn well that would flip him out and derail his crazy. Regardless of our games, our crazy, we do care and love each other.

Fuck.

I just don’t know anymore. I never thought this would happen. Now I just don’t fucking know. I lay here, we had awesome crazy hot sex. I want him, I love him. But what the fuck? What changed? Fuck his motivation. What about me? How much is vanity, pride? Fear of being alone? Convenience, proximity? Loneliness? Drugs and alcohol?

Tomorrow I’ll go home. Well I guess today. What the fuck ever. I will resume my life of misery. I will sleep for awhile. Eat. Start the debauchery all over. Birthday weekend after all. Another year older with nothing accomplished.

Except becoming an adultress.

Blahh

Maybe I can wake him up for sex?

Here’s hoping…

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