Say it ain’t so

Age brings Wisdom … yeah right!

I am beginning to really doubt my intelligence. I’m one of those smart people who are good with books and history, but common sense? Pffft my ass got skipped over on that shit

I just keep getting myself in deeper and deeper with the bullshit. I spent a few nights with the BF and the FL was blowing up my phone. Messenger. Texts. Even emails. I finally got the nerve to message back… told him the truth and that I was with the BF and I had stayed with him a few nights.

He flipped. Funny how he is more concerned about me being at another guys house than the husband.

Of course he accused me of fucking the BF. Proceeds to make comments about how he didn’t need to buy me stuff anymore, that my new boyfriend could do that. That I hadn’t been sending him sexy pics lately so I must fucking someone, and if other guy was just a friend I would have answered his calls blah blah blah

It honestly pissed me off. Who the hell is he to be all condescending when he has told me he’s gotten blowjobs from other girls? So I got mad and told him that he obviously had never listened to anything I said since I’ve mentioned the BF before and that I had stayed with him quite a few times in the past few months when I was fighting with the husband. Why would I tell him my problems when he didn’t want to talk about anything that didn’t have to do with sex? And of course I was not going to answer the phone when I’m hiding from the family. And that duhhh, **** has been my best friend for years, he knows about all of my problems and I wanted someone who I could talk to.

🙄🙄🙄

I should have just told him we were fucking and be done with it. But no. I can’t do that, I don’t want him to hate me. Even though I know I want someone else I can not let go.

Damn it. He pissed me off with the fucking accusations though. Because I had told him about the BF months ago and that I stayed over there to get away from the husband. That we had been roommates years ago and I never had thought about him like that – he was always just my friend. I wasn’t lying about that shit, not then. The fact he didn’t remember the numerous conversations about it and just started getting all crazy and hateful for not returning his call when he has blown me off in the middle of us talking tons of times…. well it just set me off.

God knows I couldn’t let him win.

After it was done, he was oh so sweet. Trying to shop for new lingerie, telling me he missed me, that I was his best friend, and he just wants to see me and spend time with me. That if I need to talk, he’s always willing to listen.

Fucker. Of course he is sweet now that I’ve pointed out that he was the one who was wrong.

But honestly it was a really shitty thing to do on my part. I didn’t lie to him, I never said that we weren’t fucking. But I should have just ignored his comments, not made it seem like I was so innocent. Because I did, I played it off like I was. I am fucking so predictable, I can not ever admit that I am wrong.  Or that it’s my fault. I throw the blame pretty fucking good for an only child. No, I didn’t lie to him. Technically. No, I don’t answer my phone when I’m there, he has been my friend for years and I have always told him about all my problems. 

There’s no doubt that I lied later. Or led him on? Both I guess. He asked if I was still going to see him etc etc I pretended nothing was different. Maybe I was a little more aloof than usual but I was pissed and we were fighting before… it is not unusual for me to be a little bitchy afterwards and he knows how I am.

What about the next time? I can not pretend to be angry forever, this is not a big deal when it comes to a fight. Especially between us. We have had a lot worse when we were kids and even since we started this up again.

I may not be betraying him. I never promised anything nor did he. I’ve told him that he could fuck around and I only wanted to know if it became serious, I didn’t want to be his side bitch (hypocritical aren’t I) He has said he would not be upset if I was to get laid. But seriously. We both know it’s bullshit. No we aren’t committed. But I still have been pissed to hear about other women.  I know that he can say anything he wants but, he was acting like a jealous husband (which, again, ironic how the actual husband does not care) and I know him well enough to know how he gets when he is mad and hurt. I have always been innocent before. Im certainly not now though and I’m sure it is going to piss him off when he finds out.

I can’t lie, I love the FL and part of me wonders if I am not just ruining it between us as a way to avoid the pain. I can’t help but think that he’d just break my heart. I’ll always be that scared insecure little girl in some ways when it comes to him. Plus honestly I don’t know if we have any future. I don’t know if I could leave here for good… I don’t know if he wants anything more than just a really good time.

Still the same

I’m pretty sure that I am betraying… The BF

As of last post, I wasn’t sure what is going on with us. I knew we’d talked. But I can’t remember if we truly settled on a relationship or not. I know that we said we would not fuck around with other people and not use protection. If we promised monogamy I don’t remember.

This last weekend he told me he was in love with me and I told him I was finding it very easy to fall in love with him. We talked about how we were so much alike that it was scary. That regardless of the situation, we made each other happy and wanted to keep seeing each other. Ya know, all kinds of sweet and sappy crap. And maybe some was being drunk, caught up in the moment, the sex being fantastic and wonderful. But I can’t believe it was all just talk. I was not just horny and wasted, I have been saying that he is perfect for me and maybe it was obvious to everyone but me.

Fuck it, he does make me happy and maybe I am half way in love with him.

I don’t know though. I think we could be together, but we have issues too. We’re alike yes, but that means we fight a lot about stupid things. Not to mention he is just as fucked up as me, maybe even more. My BF has been through a lot of shit. So I don’t know how much is just loneliness on his part too. The more I look, the more I see myself in his actions.  It’s a double edge sword though. It is awesome to connect with a person who understands you and the way you think, who actually gets you… but it’s hard to argue with a person who is equally smart, stubborn and sarcastic and can call you on your bullshit.

I know I am confused. I know that it is ridiculous to try to start a relationship when I am still married. I’m even more stupid for being in two different guys. One I have always loved and share a history with. Then one that is new and exciting  but also comfortable and familiar. Both have their faults and both have their perks. Both know me pretty well and I share a lot of history with both. Though FL got a lot of sex, BF had a lot more time actually hanging out with me and even lived with me. I believe both care, even love me in their weird ways and I love both of them too, albeit in different ways for a longtime. Both are equally attractive for the most part. Blue eyes, babyish face, dimples. BF is a bit taller and probably bigger than FL, though I don’t know for sure since i haven’t seen the fucker in 15-20 years. Both have things I don’t usually like, one a beard and one a preppy rich boy fashion sense. Financially FL has it better. Though I think it might even out financially when they get their inheritances from the parents. Maybe. Location the BF has the advantage (a big factor too, I would be leaving my home to go be with FL) Equally arrogant and asshole behavior, both moody as fuck. Both are very touchy, Republican, typical southern boy attitudes and similar upbringing. Similar interests in movies, music etc FL is more stable in life in general but both are equally hard working. BF is the smarter of the two, making conversations better on intellectual subjects. However both of them are very good at making me laugh and share a similar weird sarcastic sense of humor and best of all, actually get my sense of humor. FL is slightly more sane and laid back but has far more commitment phobic issues. BF is the most likely to be with me for real, he definitely treats me better in a lot of ways. Lots of compliments and flattery. Especially when he wants sex. FL is charming too when he wants sex but is more direct and doesn’t spend a lot of time talking me up FL is the one that is going to just want sex for awhile and not commit to anything. Never the type to do FB selfies and acknowledge me.

I can go on and on about this. But I’ll spare you the boredom!

I don’t know why I do this shit. Maybe it’s a mistake. Maybe not? I have no idea. But I know that I have not been happy with anything for a long time. I am actually starting to look forward to life now. I think that it’s entirely due to the BF. He may not be perfect but damn it, he makes me happy, he makes me laugh. He makes me cum. A lot. I look forward to seeing him. He doesn’t make me angry and lie or make me feel like I’m not important. He is still my best friend.

He gives me hope that I’m not doomed to be miserable for the rest of my life.