Life is shit

Life’s a bitch sometimes… but so am I!

Sorry my lovelies! I’ve sat down a few times to write but just have not been able to finish up a post. I’ve started a few, but can’t find the words to describe what I’m thinking. So I have taken the easy way out and utilized the writers prompts. Though some have touched on personal subjects, it hasn’t been the usual updates and bitching about my real life.

It’s sad when you can’t even bring yourself to tell strangers about how horrible you are falling at life.

I am obviously growing up, and facing some hard truths about myself.

I don’t like it.

Hard Truths

I have always considered myself someone that wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and someone who could back up the shit she talked. I used to think it was only in regards to talking about my feelings and fear of rejection that brought out the coward in me.

Turns out, I just talk a good game. I can identify the problem, come up with a solution and even plan out the best course of action. When it comes to following up with my goals, I suck. I procrastinate. I put it off. I make excuses. I throw the blame on other people pretty damn well for an only child.

Seems I’ve taken my idol, Scarlett O’Haras, advice to far. The whole “thinking about it tomorrow” philosophy has wasted years of my life. Plus it hasn’t done a damn thing to help my sanity 🙄

So nothing much has happened since my last update on life type entry. Still haven’t got rid of the hubby. Still hopelessly in love with the FL Still not working or being productive. Still completely miserable, still devoting my time to my mental breakdown, midlife crisis, self destructive habits and occasionally sleep. My healthiest habits are reading, loud music and fucking around online to avoid reality and responsibility.

I’ve just got to the point where I feel utterly hopeless. I can’t seem to get it together, fuck, I don’t even know where to start. I just spend my time hiding from it all. Whether it’s reading, music, drinking, drugs or chatting with the FL about the kinky sex we plan on having. Though how its ever going to happen I don’t know. It’s looking more and more like I will never be free from my marriage. But it’s easier to sit and stress about my FL trying to figure out what is going on with our non-relationship than dealing with the drama of my real life relationship.

You’re so vain..

The only productive thing I have been doing is purely based on vanity. I’ve started putting more effort into my appearance. Doing weekly facials, special body scrubs, trimming the split ends off my hair, going back blonde, doing my nails, plucking and shaving, taking vitamins, eating healthy foods, drinking water, yoga/pilates, and my favorite – laying out in the sun by the pool or the beach. Hence the body scrubs, gotta work to keep an even tan on a pale white girl like me who burns in 20 minutes or less. Fuck, I’m not even a ginger and I burn like a lobster! I’m also working on getting new clothes – matching bras and panties lol new socks, new shoes and sundresses. I’m even wearing my jewelry again!

Like the typical stereotype, since being married I had let my health/beauty routine slide. Especially recently. I had gotten to the point where I didn’t much care how I looked. I never got to the point of gaining hundred pounds or whatever. I just got lazy and stopped doing all the little extra stuff. I was more likely to rock the homeless look with jeans and messy hair in a bun on top of my head. Hell back in the day I used to spend hour in the shower just getting prepped to start getting ready for a night out. I always wore perfume, jewelry and bras and panties that actually matched! I hardly ever left the house without makeup lol Recently though, I was at the point where I was lucky if I brushed my hair before putting it up, let alone bothering with makeup or what I was wearing.

But after not getting laid for like a year and the chance to hook up with not just an ex, but the ex well of course I want to look hot and as good as possible. That’s one thing I did always love about the ex. He always loved it when I’d dress up and is still able to make me feel sexy as hell. I certainly don’t want to disappoint!

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

I figure I will probably break down soon and meet up with the FL. I have told the husband a hundred times I want a divorce, regardless of our living situation I consider us separated. So that means I am free to go make new mistakes and fuck my life up in new and hopefully more fun ways.

But damn it, I can say what I want but deep down it still feels like cheating. Even though it’s been a year since we last had sex, even though I am not wearing my wedding rings or ending our conversations with I love you. There’s no physical affection between us, we may sleep in the same bed but we don’t kiss goodnight. He still kisses me goodbye but I turn my head so he kisses my cheek. It’s more and more like a roommate situation. But the thing that makes me feel guilty, that it would be cheating, is the fact he still doesn’t want to believe that I am serious. He still considers me his wife. I don’t know what else I can say or do besides flat out telling him I want to be with someone else. But if I say that, he’ll think that is the reason I want a divorce. I don’t care what anyone says, or how it looks, damn it. I was unhappy before I ever started talking to the FL again. He may have been a catalyst in the decision but he was not a factor. The only effect he had was my desire to do it right away. Yes my hormones were also part of it, I wanted to get fucked and i wanted it soon. But even before my sexual frustration took over, I had known that the marriage wasn’t working but didn’t want to admit it. I was scared, am still scared in some ways. There’s a lot of things i could name but the the fear of ending up old and alone… its the worst. There’s so many reasons to stay, but at what cost? There’s even better if not more abstract reasons we should split up asap. If we keep up the way we are, one of us is going to end up dead. I really believe we are toxic to each other at this point. Even if the FL had never come around, I still think that I would be pushing to end this relationship before it’s too late.

As for the FL aka my SB (SIDE BITCH, SICK BASTARD – quite a handy acronym for him) I am still utterly confused and hopelessly stupid over his ass. Yes we still talk every day almost. Yes he still is the one to initiate the conversation about 75% of the time. He still tells me he loves me, talks about buying me clothes and setting up appointments for me to get my hair or nails done. Offers to send me presents, even offered to send me cash so I could pick out some new bra and panty sets or lingerie. Has told me about his fantasy of me dressed up like a bride. Which I can’t even wrap my head around that one. Is it a fetish thing? Is he picturing us married? When we were like 21 or so, he actually proposed to me in a bar. Supposedly it was a ploy for free drinks but always struck me as bizarre. He even changed our status to married on a certain social media site where we are both incognito.

I wonder what he will do when I finally give in and tell him to get his ass here. The distance is both a blessing and a curse. If he was 20 minutes away the deed would have been done. 2-3 hours is a long wait, lots of time to freak out and run away. It’s been over 15 years now since we have been in the same room. I am terrified to be honest. Yeah, we’re probably closer friends now than we have been in the almost 30 years we’ve known each other. But I still worry if he’ll be disappointed, I may look younger than my age, but I’m not 27 anymore. What if we get in the same room and there’s no chemistry? He doesn’t find me attractive anymore? What if I don’t want him once we see each other? What if the sex is terrible?

Worse, what if it’s amazing but once we do it he loses interest and ignores me? Will that break my resolve to leave the hubby? Break my heart and cause me to cling to what is easy, so that I will end up staying with him out of that fear of being alone?

It’s been almost a year since we started talking again. To my knowledge he’s not been with anyone else. But the other night he told me that some girl wanted to come by for a quickie with him. I asked what he was going to do and he said that he would rather be with me. But he admitted he was tempted and asked if it would upset me. I told him that yeah, I would be upset about it. But I also said that I had no right to expect him to be faithful. He left me hanging for about an hour and then messages me and starts up one of our little sexting sessions. So what was the point of that whole scenario? Was he just testing me? Trying to make me jealous? Did he sit and chat with her for that hour? Did she come by? If so why text me after… fuck! See? This is why it’s so easy to ignore my real life in person drama, I’ve spent so long obsessing over him that it’s almost comforting in the way it’s so damn familiar. No matter how long it has been since we started this crazy journey, sometimes he is still very much a mystery to me. But then again sometimes I think the only mystery is why I keep refusing to believe in him and am always so quick to assume the worst.

My logical mind tells me that I shouldn’t worry and overanalyze everything so much. That maybe I should try and think about how he feels. Like with the supposed girl. I had told him I understood and yes it would hurt my feelings but also that I knew how selfish and hypocritical it would be to expect him to be faithful to me, a married woman. But it still leaves me wondering why he would bother telling me about it or even messaging me that night if he was talking to another girl and could get actual sex? My first thought was it was just one of his little games to see how I would react. See if I would get mad and ignore him, or get crazy jealous and flip out. Seriously. If some chick did come by, why would he need to talk with me right after she left? What the hell? It was only an hour between our last messages! He couldn’t have been that damn horny again if he’d just gotten a blow job or sex. So why the need to message me back just to spend 45 minutes with a conversation/sexting session to get off? He could have just stroked one off and called me the next day.

This has made me realize that this might not be easy for him. I know I couldn’t handle it if situations were reversed. I wonder if he is jealous of the hubby? Does he wonder if I am just leading him on? Fuck, maybe he thinks I’m getting some revenge for back when we were younger? Does he resent me, or is he starting to since I have not left the hubby? Will he ever trust me since our relationship now or whatever we this is started while I was married? Does he believe me when I say that I have not had sex with the husband for almost a year? If we have sex, will that be the end of it? Mission accomplished and all.

I wonder if everyone and everything is right, that this is a horrible idea and doomed from the start.

But damn it. This doesn’t feel like some kind of game, or that it is just a relationship of convenience. Something to keep him occupied while trying to find a better option. It doesn’t explain the daily messages, the things that are said, the references to future plans. If it was just a game wouldn’t he be bored by now? Almost a year with no sex? I don’t see what he could gain from this. Why keep bothering? I know he’s stubborn and persistent. But is he really that determined to get one last fuck in? Is this the ultimate challenge and he just can’t give up until he wins?

This is how it sucks me in. Everytime. I listen to my intuition that tells me to chill out. Then 2 days later I am still stressing about it and have overanalyzed the situation to death. It leaves me convinced that I am still a fool and stupid as always for ever bothering with him again. I don’t know why, or what it it is about that boy, but no one has ever been able to fuck with my head so easily. It’s like I’m always going to be that jealous and insecure teenager around him. He always makes me second guess myself. I can never take a step back and see the big picture. I have to pick apart every detail until I find some kind of flaw. It’s like I will never be able to comprehend the fact that not every damn thing has some hidden meaning or ulterior motive. That nothing will ever be as simple and straightforward as it appears.

We’ll end this long drawn out rant about the FL with yet another song lyric by my boys in Strung Out.

And I don’t know how I got this way and I don’t know how much more I can take..I know you’ll shoot me down and bury me before I get to high

Strung Out