I know I’m alone if I’m with or without you
But just being around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams
And the bad dreams lead me to callin’ you
And I call you and say
“Come here!”

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=qtNV3pOqcjI&si=OdPuB-9fTWxLnS8O

Cause you’re just damage control
For a walking corpse like me
Like you

I don’t know what to say anymore. I’m still not sure about… fuck I hate not being able to put in words the way I feel! I’m not sure what I am doing though or if I’m making it worse or what the hell is even right or wrong. How can I know anything when I don’t trust myself, I don’t trust my decisions or judgment, or my motivation. I’m not sure sure why I do half the shit I do.

I hate my husband, I hate him for doing what no one else, not even the FL could do. Breaking me. Making me feel like I am lost, wrong, and so fucking stupid. I tried. I thought I was so right about him. That I was doing the right thing marrying him 14 years ago this month. That I loved him. That he loved me. That he would always have my back. Was I just a fool all this time? Was I so fucking blind, so desperate? Is it just my endless pride that made me stay for so long? Was it fear? Am I that pathetic and scared to be alone? Afraid to say I was wrong? Fuck it, I’m too stubborn to give up. Even when I know it. I prove it over and over.

It’s fucked me up beyond all belief. I used to think I was so smart. But now I have no idea what I am doing or what I even want. I have no idea what to do or where to start in fixing my life.

I’ve spent 2 fucking years now trying to get my shit together. Trying to make things right, trying to find myself again. God fucking damn it, I have failed at that too.

For example I was positive that I was in love with the FL again. I  always loved him, I still do. I think deep down I knew it was never going to happen. I could have had him come here at any time in the past 2 years. But I didn’t. I was scared it was just going to break my heart, I was scared it would never live up to the expectations. Most of all I was scared that we would never be able to get over our past. Maybe it was just my insecurities that stopped me from saying fuck it. Maybe it was because it was just so easy to play pretend with him. It was more fantasy than reality due to years of not seeing each other and the distance. Those couple hundred miles may as well be 1000. It is easy to say how much I put him off but he is just as capable of coming here rather I invite him or not. Hello. Hometown!? Its not like he couldn’t find someone to hang out with. If this were 25 years ago his dumb ass would have been knocking at the door long ago, husband or not. I did make some invitations and suggested that he come here. I gave him one last chance at the concert. After all, was one of his favorite bands too. Nope. He wasn’t there, and I went home with the BF.

Now he’s finally getting sick of me, one too many missed messages and the little fucking bastard blocked me on FB. I think it’s because I was too busy sleeping or getting drunk with the BF be at his beck and call. I suppose I can say I kinda ghosted him?

Anyhoo, technically I didn’t really ghost him, maybe just a little haunting. I answered the messages, it just took awhile. The subsequent conversation was usually short and ended as soon as the sexy talk started. I have no doubt he is pissed about that most of all. Obviously proof that I am getting it elsewhere because I don’t want to talk about fucking for the 500th time this year. Of course I am getting it elsewhere and I wanted a reason to stop talking to him.

But of course I had to get the last word.

So I text him to ask if I was blocked or if he deleted FB again. Yep. I was blocked hahaha Good God he’s still the same spoiled spiteful little shit at 45 as he was at 15.

After my first message apparently he felt bad and unblocked me. Then he unfriended me, but sent a message saying hello later. Seriously, like everything was fine and I wasn’t blocked for any other reason than not answering his messages in a timely manner.

Since he brings out the 15 year old in me, I decided that the correct response to that stupid shit was to block him and send a hateful yet snarky text.

Between him and the BF, I have seen firsthand that men never really grow up. They just learn how to pretend that they have.

Then again I’m not exactly a great example of a mature and responsible woman either. But I at least admit that I am being petty and ridiculous. I am glad he’s not speaking to me. I didn’t want to be that much of a slut. Yes I’m an adultress but I am at least going to be faithful to the man I’m having an affair with.

See? I’m completely fucking crazy.

Crazy I may be, I am strangely loyal to the people I do love. Maybe I am not sure what the hell is happened or how I want it to turn out yet. Nevertheless I do consider the BF a person I love. Obviously more than I wanted too. My twitchy little shit has been quite the surprise. It is annoying that he was able to win so effortlessly. I should have known better. I underestimated the years of him listening to my whining and bitching about men. He actually paid attention, and that’s rare.

See that’s the thing, how do I resist someone who is not only just like me but also understands me like no one else, knows all my secrets and still fucking likes me. I know that he does love me, I take his grand, overdramatic proclamations of love with a grain of salt but his actions are very clear. They always have been. He’s always been good to me, from buying my drinks at 19 to being the only one who never questioned me and had my back regardless.

We are perfect for each other in so many ways. The best part of being with someone I’ve never had any reason to lie too is that I’ve none of the problems telling him what he is doing wrong like I had with the FL. We’ve talked about it. He not only listened when I was talking about a relationship issue but has actually made the effort to stop doing things that make me upset. Holy fucking hell I didn’t know that was possible!

Fucking husband certainly never fucking listened or made any effort to stop doing shit I told him pissed me off. 15 years of his fucking laundry on the floor is one of many things that is driving me to drink.

Best of all BF is at least making the effort to treat me like a freaking girlfriend and has the decency to fuck me properly. I forgot how much I love sex and being treated like a girlfriend, not a roommate. I miss flirting, I like being complimented and dressing up for someone. I want someone to kiss me for a reason besides habit. Kiss me goodbye because you want to, not because it’s required. Holding my hand or laying with an arm around me because we just had crazy hot sex and you still want to be close to me when you fall asleep. I have no idea how long it has been since my husband has been like that. 2 years and counting on no sex, he stopped treating me with any affection a good 5 years before that. Maybe longer. I don’t know.

So that’s the down low on my trifectra of men. The husband who still won’t get a clue and realize im fucking the BF, despite me spending the night in his bed and wearing his clothes home. The FL who has finally got a clue that I’m not going to be fucking him anytime soon and am not quite as interested as I used to be in being his little side girlfriend when he is bored and horny. And of course the BF who is trying not to be annoying and is doing a damn good job of fucking  me into unconsciousness as often as possible.

Things could be worse! I guess. I don’t know.

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