Nothin’ left to do at night…But go crazy on you

Wild man's world is cryin' in pain
What you gonna do when everybody's insane?
So afraid of one who's so afraid of you
What you gonna do?

Heart "Crazy on You"

I do love being right!

I know that I mentioned that the BF and I have been in several fights over the years. We both like to be right and explain how right we are haha so a lot of our conversations involve that flirty, argumentative, constant one up-manship kinda banter. It always has. It’s probably why people always thought we were hooking up for all these years. When we were out one night shortly before we had gotten together a girl at the bar said the sexual tension between us was intense. She could not believe we were not a couple. It’s always been like that to some extent. A lot was the fact I’m a flirty, affectionate kinda girl anyway, and he was safe. Like my gay bestie, or even a little brother. I was completely sure that nothing would ever happen.

The irony of him being the first name added to “The List” after over 15 years is mind-blowing in so many ways! People are going to just flip the fuck out on this one.

My mom’s sitting in front of me, we have actually been talking about the divorce and how I want him to leave. I brought up the irony that the FL is more upset about the fact I go spend the night with the BF than the husband. I mean honestly. Yes, he’s been my friend for fucking ever and no it was never like that but fact is, he’s a guy. I’m spending the night with another man and the husband does not care at all. What more do I need to say? Obviously this marriage is over.

My mom is going to freak out about this one. I’ve dropped a few hints and she is completely oblivious. It’s really amazing how the woman who raised me can be so blind hahaha but that just proves the point of how unexpected it is that I did this.

I spent the other night with the BF, Sunday I think? No problem there.

Last night he got in one of those moods. Not sure if he was breaking up with me or just being depressed but I took it as the former and was quite angry. I mentioned that he had a lot of PTSD, so he gets these depressed and hopeless moments. He pulled one of those “I’m just going to bring you down, not good enough” speeches and I fucking lost it. Sent him like 10000 texts, told him I was just as crazy and said I was going to the store and hoped a car would hit me 😂😂

Holy hell, I am such a drama queen! I can’t believe I am still capable of that shit, I have not had one of those crazy girlfriend moments in fucking years.

Some things never change I guess!

He finally got me to come over and talk. This was like 3am.

I can’t believe that nobody has figured out we’re fucking with the little tantrum I threw last night! I went from zero to crazy in 60 seconds for no apparent reason. Then just left. To stay with him.

We talked things over and it’s fine. Well argued, crying,  lots of hot makeup sex!!! He was just having one of those crazy spells like I get, lord knows he’s got plenty of good reasons. He doesn’t want to drag me into his drama any more than I wanted to get him in mine. I had to assure him that I wanted to be with him and I didn’t care about the past. I think my flipping out actually proved more than anything I could say about the fact I care about him.

He has heard about the crazy things that I’ve done with past boyfriends and most recently the husband. He’s never seen it first hand. Poor guy.

But like I said, I’m not the only one who has a lot of personal shit going on or is fucking crazy. He has a whole lot of insecurities and a few valid points about what he’s going through, why he thinks he can not be a good thing for me or anyone. I know how hard it is to feel like you are not good enough to be loved. Even if I had never been with him sexually, I still probably would have been yelling at him though. Last night I was actually a lot closer to the way I used to yell at him than I have been in our recent little tiffs. I’ve bit my tongue a lot more since we started this, before if I didn’t say something it was because I didn’t want to hear it haha not be nice…

So, oh yeah, I was completely fucking pissed off. I have not been that crazy with him ever. We’ve been in fights but they were never like this shit. I guess there’s a reason why they say “lovers quarrel” because you fight differently when you are involved with a person versus being just friends. I pulled out tactics and logic that I never used with him before. Feelings, romantic feelings, love, sex, all of ot changes the way you fight.

If I like talking about me being right, I LOVE saying I told you so even more. But yeah, I knew that this would happen. I knew we’d still fight. Not exactly like this I must admit. Like a fucking idiot I was completely positive that I was going to have the upper hand. I rather thought I would be the one to push him away. I’m not sure if I am the one who cares the most or not. If it feels like he is winning its because I am the one who has to fight for it. He is the one who was trying to piss me off and push me away and I was the one who had to convince him that this is what I want.

I have seen the way things have changed. Observing the difference between us being just friends versus being a couple has been interesting. It’s been very easy in a lot of ways, but it is been very challenging, hence the attraction. I have always had a thing about competition, with him most of all. I think that’s a big reason why I am suspicious of the way he acts sometimes and wonder if he is doing the things he does because he knows exactly what to say to get me going. I may be giving him more credit than he deserves of course and am just crazy paranoid. Then I think of how disconcerting it is to see myself in so much of what he does. Watching my tantrums and mood swings enacted by someone else is fucking weird. It makes me wonder if he’s only doing what I would do when it comes to us, but somehow he’s winning. Bastard. Can’t ever admit that to him! Thank God for blogs!

I’ve so far only written about the stuff that worries me, the shit that’s pissed me off. I have not said a lot about the things I have enjoyed very much and the good ways things have changed. He is very much going out of his way to try and date me? Court me? I don’t know, anyhoo he’s been very sweet and pulling out the southern gentleman act. In between the mood swings and drinking binges of course. For the most part though we have both been more, fuck, observant of each other’s feelings? More courteous? Before I wouldn’t have been quite so careful about what I said at times than I am now. Hmm I guess you could say he tries to take care of me? Doing things like picking up food I like, ordering my Uber so I don’t have to pay, bringing me a drink or cigarette so I don’t have to get up. You know, sweet little things.

When he tries he is very charming and sweet. It’s not just sex, it’s the way being around him makes me feel like I’m actually wanted and appreciated is something I have missed. Its nice knowing that he has missed me and thought about me when I’m not there. The sex obviously is really fucking great. A+ my friend. I definitely was not expecting that! But it’s been a damn good surprise. I know he says a lot of shit just because, well that’s just him. The good thing about knowing each other so well and for so long is I know when he’s telling the truth and is being sincere. He says a lot of things when we are in bed and the way he is with me – well it’s those that are why I’m not 100% on if I’m the one who cares the most.  I wonder if he has felt like that for a while now. That maybe I was too blind to see it much like my mom is now?