I used to be somebody…

What I used to think was me is just a fading memory
I looked him right in the eye and said, "Goodbye"

NIN "DOWN IN IT"

Shit is getting serious right about now if I’m quoting NIN…

Yep, its full scale self destruction mode. I’m moving on from the anger and aggression of Strung Out to the sadness and despair of my beloved Trent Reznor, the music of my first real heartbreak and betrayal. One of the few events in my life that was part of my life “before” the guy who takes up so much space in this blog was anything more than another idiot boy who hung out in my neighborhood and was hateful to me. If things had been different this guy, one I won’t even name in real life let alone here, probably would be the one who had earned the title of my first love and not my PSB.

Instead he is the one I want most to forget.

FTR I stopped calling him by his name years before JK Rowling ever made the phrase "he who shall not be named" popular 

It was because of him I found out what is was to be lied too. The discovery of the person I loved, and thought loved me, was with someone else – even if I couldn’t imagine being with anyone who was not him did not mean he felt the same. I was 14, going on 15 and he was one of my first real boyfriends. The first one to betray my trust, lie to my face. The first time I sat there and wanted to believe that my intuition was wrong. My heart was racing and I wanted to throw up, but deep down I knew that voice saying that he was freaking busted was right, that he was scrambling to make up some story.

My first betrayal. The day I learned that sometimes it’s not only easier to ignore the truth, but that you want to believe the lie.

That moment, and his subsequent leaving for another state was around the beginning of high school and my to the punk/goth crowd, so different from the stuck up surfer boys I was always around. My introduction to the best band for freaking getting drunk and crying: NIN within months I went from cute and blonde beach girl to angry girl and my goth phase. Which brought on the horrible decision to dye my hair black, a very unflattering color for someone as pasty white as me. Hell of a pain getting rid of too.

I’m not 15 anymore, no teen angst to blame and I may not have the black hair to show my despair with my current life…. but I might as well. Bad hair could not possibly make anything worse….

I’m losing. In every way possible. My self destruction and apathy is winning or i guess losing? I don’tknow… everything is a fucking mess. I’ve put my focus on a distraction and a longing for what I used to be. Trying to recapture a dream, indulge in the fantasy, wish for what will never happen or what might have been…

I’ve lost the game, hell I have lost the will to play. I became what I swore I never would. A person who settled. An unhappy woman with a falling marriage, financial difficulties, unemployed, numerous addictions and an affair with an ex boyfriend (emotional affair which doesn’t count in my opinion but whatever) in other words, a fucking mess and failure at adulthood.

An utter failure. Too smart for her own good, too weak to do what needs to be done and to stubborn to admit that she needs help.

15 year old me, tacky black hair and all would be so very disappointed to see what we’ve become.

So I shall listen to my music, songs that have become less angry and defiant as the summer came to an end. Music that is for someone who is too defeated and depressed for anger now. Just hopeless

So I will Proceed to drink myself to sleep. Quote various books, songs, movies. Just continue to do nothing and live in a purgatory of pessimism and passive aggressive behavior completely ignoring reality and responsibility.

Repeat daily until the madness finally begins to make sense.