For the record: The first Charmed series was the best. It was totally overlooked and under appreciated by the majority of people. Some of the scenes, especially with Piper? OMG she was really an amazing actress, you could literally feel her pain through the screen. I’m not in the mood to cry (for once) but one of these days I need to do a compilation of all the best Charmed scenes. The episode where she becomes a Harpy, after Pru dies? So, freaking sad. Still makes me cry and twenty years later still relevant. Losing someone you love never stops hurting…
Much as I love my Charmed Ones, that’s not what this entry is about! This was going to be a minor addition to the last post I just got done revising and reposting. I was just going to write a few paragraphs about what’s going on and blah blah blah
What changed my mind? Why a whole new post when absolutely nothing new has come up?
Reddit.
Reddit has inspired me to write a whole new post instead of just a quick summary of my boring ass life.
Quick Update for the Hell of IT!
- Work: Still trying to get the work from home business off the ground – as mentioned before, I’m pretty lazy and WFH actually takes time and follow up to get started. I really need to stop procrastinating. Not to mention I need to stop the all night drinking binges and be sober enough to work… Or at least be awake in the daytime ha-ha
- Husband: Have started drafting separation papers. Still unsure of how to go through with it! I love him, but I’m miserable. I don’t see anything changing unless I do something, but I’m still scared. Plus, his birthday is coming up and then the holidays… God, it makes me feel like such a mega fucking bitch. Gah!! Plus, I can’t help but be sad. Have second thoughts. I think that’s why it’s good to look through my other blog posts. Help remind me when I get all sappy that there’s a reason why I NEED to do this
- FL: No post would be complete without reference to that asshole! Though he’s actually not near as much an asshole as he used to be. Damn it. Would be easier if he was. Like the GIF I posted, I don’t need a sign to tell me where my heart lies. It’s been with him. It always has. If nothing else, that’s the one thing I’ve learned in the past year. I’ve tried to pretend I didn’t. Tried to say it was just nostalgia and that everyone always has a thing for that first love. But after reading journals from high school and blog entries from six months ago and seeing how 42yr old me is writing the exact same things about the same boy that 15yr old me was writing… Yeah. I can’t lie to myself anymore. I may love my husband. But I have always loved this guy too. I never stopped. I just told myself and everyone else I had. We’re not talking as much recently. I’m trying to leave him alone, at first, he was the one initiating the conversations, now it’s me. BAD SAMI! It’s bad enough I have feelings for him again, last thing I need is for him to realize it. I’m sure he has though. I haven’t archived and graphed out our posts lol, but I’ve read a few before deleting and yeah, you can see my attitude changing. Best I stay away and keep him out of it. I don’t want him to be the reason I leave, I don’t want to do this for anyone but myself. It would be too easy to fall back into that and ultimately blame him.
For any only child, I am pretty good about throwing the blame on other people!!
Both Sides Now!
I loved that song as a little girl, and recently it seems to be the theme song for my life.
I really don’t know life at all…
So true. The older I get, the less sure I am of myself and my ability to make decisions. I used to just jump into everything head first, no thoughts of consequences or responsibility. Now I seem to overthink everything to the point I am paralyzed with fear and do nothing.
I just can’t do shit halfway damn it. No middle ground this girl, all or nothing!
Now, if you have read this far you are probably curious as to what Reddit has to do with anything. Most of you have probably realized that I am writing under a pseudonym, my latest online identity I came up with for the sole purpose of doing the podcast thing. That may have failed, but I have grown fond of my Sami Lynn persona.
No, that’s not my real name, but everything else I write is truth. Yes, I am really a woman! Yes, I am 42 and live in what is known as the “Deep South” of America. I am married, over twelve years and over fifteen together total. No, we do not have children. The other guy, the first love or FL (sometimes PB) is also a real person. We grew up together, same hometown, same school etc. etc. It started with a schoolgirl crush. Finally hooked up the summer I was 16 and continued to do so until I was in my mid-twenties, though never had a “real” relationship. We stayed in contact thanks to social media, and it wasn’t till after I was married, I admitted my feelings. Since then, he’s proclaimed his undying love but has never pursued anything beyond some sexting and recently offered to get us a hotel room and have an affair. Despite proclamations of love, has never mentioned wanting a relationship or asked me to leave the hubby for him.
I keep names out of it and stay relatively anonymous because I am too scared to think of people, I know IRL reading it. It’s not so much embarrassment as I am too self-conscious and really awful at expressing my feelings. I am much more comfortable sharing my secrets with strangers. They have nothing invested in my life and sometimes can provide a new perspective on situations.
Since I’m on a fake profile I have been posting in places the real me never goes. My favorite place so far is Reddit. Though the majority of people over there are freaking judgmental assholes ~ I made a post about my FL and holy shit! I got so much hate mail and comments about my “poor husband” and that I was being stupid… That is where I first heard of “emotional affairs” though I still call bullshit on that.
See? Strangers sometimes are better to talk to and offer advice. A lot of my posts over there and the responses were major wake up calls. A lot said things I never wanted to admit, some brought up stuff I never even realized. Over all it has been a good way to talk about my situation without worrying about it getting back to my hubby.
FUNNY STORY: I started chatting with a few different guys and my dumb ass actually sent my REAL picture without thinking. Holy shit did I feel stupid when I realized that. It’s not naked pics or anything, but damn. Who has a fake profile yet sends out real pics?
I have been doing my best to stay away from chatting with the FL, that’s just bringing up too many old feelings and, in some way, confusing the situation. Again, for like the thousandth time, I do not want to end one relationship just to focus on another. Especially him.
To distract myself I decided to start looking into the online dating thing. See what it would be like to start dating, to be single again. Rather than do a dating website which would want pictures and whatnot, I decided to make a small post over on Reddit to see what happens.
HOLY FUCK!! I got over two hundred responses. I didn’t even include a freaking picture?
Shit certainly has changed since I last was last playing around with guys online. This certainly shows my age, but I remember AOL chatrooms and trolling Yahoo groups. Hell, my last boyfriend before the hubby I met on MySpace!!
Anyhoo, I was completely shocked. I got more responses from that small Reddit comment than anything I had ever put online! Even as a teenager or in my twenties with posts that had freaking pictures of young hot, blonde me never got that kind of attention. It was crazy. I got to answer about five or six people before I got completely swamped.
FYI: IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE I NEVER RESPONDED TO, I SWEAR IT WAS NOTHING PERSONAL, I JUST GOT SERIOUSLY OVERWHELMED WITH MESSAGES AND DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I AM PRETTY CLUELESS WHEN IT COMES TO THIS ONLINE STUFF.
I have to say, all that attention certainly was a freaking ego boost! Nothing like being hit on by 200+ horny guys to make a girl feel wanted!
(I told y’all I am new to this internet dating shit. The closest I have come to actually sexting is with the FL, but ours was more reminiscing about stuff we had actually done that got me all worked up. I don’t really think that counts?)
I did talk to a few of the guys, I even had what I now consider my first real sexting experience 😊 It was actually pretty hot to be honest. I have always been the kind of person who gets off on being mentally stimulated We did a little role play scenario Mhhhh I really did like it! I have been so freaking crazy horny the past few weeks, so I figured what the hell and gave it a try. Glad I did!!
The extreme horniness has been crazy and kind of annoying, I even tried watching porn, but it just doesn’t do it for me. I love sex, I just don’t get all that turned on watching sex. I’ve had partners that love the porn, I would watch it with them to maybe get some new ideas, but I guess it’s just not my thing.
All sex and sexting aside, I liked talking to the other men. I miss flirting, I miss being wanted! Its not that my sex life was awful with my hubby. It is just, well, married sex. I know that in LT relationships that its normal to have ups and downs in the bedroom. But fuck, ours has gotten super boring and I don’t even want it from him anymore. I feel like if I start putting out now that would be, leading him on maybe? I’m super damn horny, just not for him.
Yet another reason to get off the fence and just tell him already.
If I can start looking around online for other men, I have no business being married. It’s not fair to him, or myself.
BuzzedBlogging and Bitching 