SamiLynn’s Saga of Love, Lust and Sexual Frustration

Revised and Reposted Entries from the Former Blog “Cats Coffee & Crack”

8/14

Post 6 “Sami’s Summer Vacation

When you start having to lower your expectations of a person to stay with them is the beginning of the end of any relationship

Sorry for radio silence my few and faithful followers! Summer is a lazy time, especially once you get into 100-degree weather and it’s too hot to do anything.

Best time of year for the chronically lazy!

It’s also a great time of year to practice being degenerate, self-destructive – crazy – binge drinking- hiding in the house – manic depressive – bipolar and off the proper meds people. The heat gives a valid excuse why we never go outside!

So, what have I been up to besides my midlife crisis/mental breakdown inspired downward spiral?

DEFINITELY been listening to way too much NIN. My nostalgia over my lost youth has gotten me back in touch with by far the best music ever for chronically depressed angry/sad people.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS PAIN LIKE TRENT REZNOR

OBVIOUSLY, MY OPINION, YET STILL TRUE

What else?

Still been writing, though progress has slowed since self-doubt has set in. Need to get back on track for sure.

Still talking to the PB way too much. Still love him much more than I should. Finding it harder and harder not to fall back into bad habits. Alas I’ve always been a lost cause when it comes to him. Damn it. Still unsure if it’s the midlife crisis, the fear of getting older, the unhappiness in my life or I am merely projecting my needs onto someone convenient and familiar, plus safe as he’s completely unavailable.

One good thing is the more we talk, it helps to reinforce the fact there is no possible future, I couldn’t imagine living up in the country with him. Oh God! I’d be so bored and aside from sex, I’m not sure if we have any common interests.

Usually, we stick to messenger to talk but we were in one of those arguments that was about nothing and would have been easy to win by shutting him up with sex. I got so annoyed I actually called his ass! We usually never talk on the phone.

So, our big argument?

Politics and Civil War trivia. Loverboy is a big old Trump fan, whereas I think Trump is an idiot and am not a fan. In fact, I am pretty apathetic towards politics in general. I don’t back either party, they’re both corrupt.

Somehow the political argument turned into an argument about politics during the Civil War. He was bitching about the Democrats sucking up to minority parties for votes. I pointed out that they were not the first party to do so. The Republican party used the former slaves to keep the Republicans in control of the South for years after the Civil War.

OMG I might as well have set the damn Confederate flag on fire while dressed up as Abe Lincoln. He started giving me all these long lectures and facts on slavery and states’ rights and on and on and on! I know my civil war history mind you. I live in the South; my father is a professor of history with a specialty in Civil War era and my hero is Scarlett O’Hara. This was when I got annoyed and called him after an hour of arguing over absolutely nothing via messenger and was tired of typing.

For some odd reason because I have made fun of Trump by posting funny Facebook memes and have sympathy for poor people or something?? Now he is convinced that I am some kind of crazy bleeding heart liberal 😒 I literally had to justify my reasons why I thought Trump was an idiot. I even pulled out examples of Tweets he sent to prove my point.

Finally I managed to convince him that I could agree with some of Trump’s ideas as President but I could still dislike Trump as a person without it meaning I am some bleeding-heart liberal. He finally let it go when I said that I was merely pointing out that both political parties are corrupt in some way.

I think it threw him off lol and probably confused his ass since I wasn’t arguing really, but I wasn’t exactly agreeing with him either. We are both obviously sick and disturbed people as my beloved PB enjoys arguing with me as much as I do him! Its our bizarre way of flirting. Since I wasn’t there, I couldn’t utilize sex to shut him like I would usually do. So of course he continued to pick at me. About everything. Everything from my career decisions, medical ailments, even student loans.

Ironically I think that’s one of the main reasons he always kept me amused. I love people who will argue with me and shit. Hate dumb guys. Stupid is such a turn off!!! Also loved the fact he wouldn’t let me tell him what to do lol I am a bossy little thing at times and I like the boys who fight back. Arguing can be great foreplay. If I think about it, it’s probably for the best we never hooked up when we were younger! Neither one of us likes admitting we were wrong so between getting trashed and our tempers…. holy shit, the fights we would have had! OMG. Fuck Lifetime we would have been on Cops haha

I bet there would have been some great make up sex *sigh*

Oddly enough his picking at me doesn’t make me angry. It just makes me want to prove him wrong. He has this bizarre way of making me feel guilty for being so lazy! Like I should be more ambitious just to show him up. Definitely some competitive feelings there! In some ways I think compared to hubby, the FL would be more supportive as a partner in some ways and likely to inspire me to want to be a better person. Give me reason to be motivated and want more from life. Plus if he knew some of my behavior and the shit I been up to, holy shit he’d kick my ass!! None of that sitting back and enabling me and watching my self destructive behavior like my husband.

Honestly I don’t want to be saved by him, though it would make a lovely Hallmark or Lifetime movie. I don’t need anyone to save me. I need to handle that shit myself and all that nonsense.

Maybe there’s a reason why he has been back in my life. Not for a second chance, but to remind me of who I used to be? That I had hopes and dreams once upon a time and its time to get off my ass and take care of business. Some of the shit he said was too true and hit on some shit I really didn’t like hearing. Hubby may know me pretty good, definitely more familiar with my likes and dislikes or stuff about my daily life and habits than FL. This guy knows who I am even when I have forgotten. How I used to be before I was so cynical and hopeless about life. So complacent. That girl, she would be horrified at what I have done with my life.

That’s my main problem with the husband. He is content and has no desire for more. Alcohol is always first priority.

Not exactly inspiration to get sober.

Much as I hate it, hate disrupting my little bubble of reality. I need to wake the fuck up and get my shit together, soon! I’m scared that if I stay with the husband, it will only be because I am scared of being alone… Not out of love, but out of fear and having to start over, possible failure, change, stepping out my comfort zone etc etc I love my husband; we just have become comfortable in this never ending cycle of complacency and are both too lazy to change.

Lover boy may be a dick, he may be a terrible choice in partners in a lot of ways… But at least he brings out some of my better traits instead of just an ongoing competition of who can get the other most annoyed.

AUTHOR’S NOTE – 10/19

Since this isn’t exactly the most exciting of posts I was going to make it into a two-part entry or something. The first section being the flashback and then writing a new section about what’s going on now. However while revising the post I got, distracted? That’s a good way to put it as any I suppose and now have decided that the present situation warrants its own entry.

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