How old is to old to rebel against life?

Is it too late in life to go through another goth girl phase? At what age is it no longer socially acceptable to wear too much black eyeliner, dye your hair black, wear black nail polish and big black combat boots with ripped up fishnets.

Maybe I should start a new blog. A totally emo 15 yr old girl one filled with self entitled whining and crying over some boy. Oh wait. I already have one. Right here. Honestly, who would have thought I would be bitching about the same fucking boy 25 goddamm years later. Certainly not 15 yr old me. 15 yr old me would be horrified and kick my ass.

Let’s again point out that I have obviously not learned a god damn fucking thing in all those years. Why else would this same fucking guy still be able to get to me the way he does.

Like Jon Snow. I know nothing.

Why do I even care? Am I really this fucking stupid? Do I actually think this shit is going to work out in reality? Am I that naive?

FTR – No, not having any problems with him lately. No discernible reason to rant and rave or be upset. We are not arguing over stupid shit. We are getting along and still talking almost every day. Its like we are in some kind of long distance relationship, yet we live in our own little world. I’m not married, there’s no consequences for us being together. It feels like it’s only been a few months not over 15 years since we’ve been together. We may not see each other, but we know one day we will. Yet… Nothing’s changed in some ways. Same shit, same ole games, blah blah blah

Or is it?

Am I just as stupid and blind as I was at 15? Do I still have to ask after all this time? Is it just as obvious as it was then? Will I look back in 20 years and realize that I should have known better? That I should have had more faith, should have taken the chance?

Or am I going to just keep making the same fucking mistakes again?

Will I ever fucking learn? Will I ever fucking get it right?

Why is this the one situation, the one person that I can never figure out?

What the hell is wrong with me? I have so much to figure out, so much other shit to take care of. Yet I sit and daydream like a school girl about some silly boy. Am I completely delusional and crazy? Just distracting myself with this fantasy in another attempt to avoid reality? Is it easier to sit and play what if with someone I used to love?

God I am so fucking fucked….