Sami’s continuing story behind a never ending schoolgirl crush
Revised and Reposted Entries from the Former Blog “Cats Coffee & Crack”
Originally posted 8/21
#7 Is it love? Obsession? Insanity? Delusional?
Went to the storage unit today to drop off some clothes and see if I could track down my old journals from high school. I found them, along with a shit ton of stuff I have held on to for YEARS! Notes from my BFF that we wrote in middle school, love letters from other boys, even a few death threats from a guy who loved and adored me but was crazy as fuck (He deserves his own entry one day!) Postcards from my grams, matchbooks, concert ticket stubs… It’s amazing the random things you collect in your life.
By far, the most interesting discovery was “THE LIST”
Yes folks, that list! The list of all the boys I’ve loved, well at least had sex with. I was pretty surprised, the number was much lower than I remembered. Guess I wasn’t that much of a slut ha-ha
(No I am not telling the number. It’s somewhere between 1-1000 )
Back in my high school years I used to write down all the names and dates in my journals of when I got lucky… There is even one that just says “Hot guy in stairwell” hahahahaha
Fucking hilarious! Once I got into my twenties, I stopped keeping such accurate records so there’s a good chance a few names aren’t on there. But! Overall, I think it’s pretty damn close, give or take maybe five people…
Of course, one reason I wanted my journals was to look up any references to the FL. Since I’ve had him on my mind so much lately, I wanted to see if maybe it would help shed some light on my current situation.
It did not.
As of today, it has been twenty-six years and two days since our first time hooking up.
Holy fucking hell. That’s more than half my life.
I’m not sure if I should laugh or cry. I look back at what I wrote at 16, 18, 21… Nothing has changed. Twenty something years later; I still love him and am still no closer to figuring out why.
Looking back to when we first hooked up, maybe it was just sex to start? Yes, I had a thing for him but most of the time I denied it to everyone, including myself. I was still just a teenager, so of course sex was better than nothing! After a while I started to notice that other guys had come and gone and were easily forgotten. Yet, no matter what happened we always came back to one another. Neither of us ever said anything about our feelings, since that just wasn’t “cool” Still I assumed it meant he cared. What other reason to keep coming back to me? It’s not like I was the only girl, or even the only girl who would put out lol Since then, he has told me that yes, he did actually care
A/N 10/22
Time has a way of altering your memory. Certain things seem better, certain things seem worse and certain things are forgotten completely! The truth has a way of getting lost in translation so to speak. I claim this boy as my FL, though he was not my first sexual experience, or even my second or third lol in fact after reading some of my old journals I realized that, yes. I loved him at sixteen, or thought I did. In reality it wasn’t till I was around 18 or so that I realized I really did love him, and it wasn’t just some school girl crush. Somewhere along the way he had become more than a boy I used to hook up with. He was the one I kept coming back too, that kept coming back to me, the one I couldn’t quite get out of my head and ultimately the one I loved no matter how much I tried not to.. Even though he was never my boyfriend, never seemed to care about me for anything besides sex, somehow out of all the guys I had been with, he was the one that I never could get over. I don’t know why? But when I was with him, the way he’d look at me at me sometimes? The way he’d kiss me, touch me? He made me feel something that none of the others ever had, something more than the usual lust or infatuation. I tried so hard to deny it, but he’s the one that made me realize what actual love was
Earlier today…
As I have said, we have been talking a lot lately. For some reason the subject of love came up and I got this big speech about how he’s happy being alone and single. There’s plenty of girls who want him, but he’s not interested. So of course, I wonder what the hell is he talking to me for? Maybe because he knows I love him and it’s easier to just flirt and play around with me than bother with a real relationship? Or does he miss me?
I’ve asked him straight up over the years why he has bothered staying in touch. Response? Of course, he is talking to me because he misses me and blah blah blah
I have no idea what to believe or if anything he says is true. He’s still a mystery even now..
He also made a point of talking about how he’s single, because he knows that in any relationship, he will just end up hurting the girl. I guess because he is not capable of change or some nonsense?
I’d love to post it here for everyone to weigh in on what the hell this guy is trying to tell me. I feel like he’s warning me that he’s not relationship material and I shouldn’t think we have any future.
But why? For the record, aside from one time joking around about running away and showing up at his door I have never once implied I thought we had a future, or that I even wanted one. In fact He is the one who has stayed in contact with me all these years. He is the one who has claimed he missed me, lioved me, even wished things had worked out different.
He was starting to annoy me with his anti-love lecture and managed to change the subject, He then proceeds to make some catty comment about marriage.
He swears up and down it wasn’t meant to be personal.
Uh huh. I was not amused
THIS WAS MY RESPONSE:
"Well, it certainly sounded like it was personal! You’ve spent the past twenty minutes going on about love and how you’re oh so happy being single and alone and blah blah blah. After telling you I didn’t want to talk about it, you then proceed to make a snotty comment and congratulate me on my marriage, a marriage you know I am unhappy in as we literally just talked about it. What the hell! I might as well go ahead and fuck you because according to the rules of fidelity. I am already having an “emotional affair” by even talking to you. The person who won’t leave me alone, yet who just made it quite clear he’s not relationship material. Don’t worry. I may be stupid enough to love you, but I am not so stupid to think you are ever going to be a future option for anything."
Should have left it that.
If I had learned a damn thing, I would have left it at that
But no. I apologized for being hateful and overdramatic. I have no idea what his little speech was about or if it had anything at all to do with me. I should have left it alone instead of flipping out and giving him the satisfaction of knowing he can still get to me like no one else.
So yeah. Smart thing to do now is ignore his ass and be a bitch. He seemed to like me more when I am mean to him anyway. But will I do that? No! I’m fucking crazy over this asshole guy. I’ve obsessed more than half of my fucking life over one person I can’t figure out. I love him? Right? But do I know him? Do I want to risk my marriage on some fantasy? No. My luck we get together and it’s over in a night. Or he thinks he can just come get laid whenever and I end up with a broken heart. Again.
Or… even worse. We do get together and I’m forced to realize that I was like Scarlett O’Hara all along. I never loved him, I loved nothing more then a fantasy and a memory of who we used to be. Realizing I never bothered to get to know the real person and once I did, I didn’t even like him.
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