The signs are obvious that all we had has run its course

I can see it in your eyes, I can hear it in your voice
The signs are obvious that all we had has run its course
I don’t mind giving up the upper hand in this little charade
‘Cause I’ve spent too many nights here on the floor
Waiting for something inside you to change

Matchbook  Strung Out

Theme song to the end of my marriage

Happy fucking anniversary.

On this day I married him. I remember it so clearly yet I know I spent the day popping xanax and lortabs like candy. It was so surreal, it became like every other wedding i attended or worked. It was another event to get over and done. Deep down I knew that I was not doing it for the right reason. I loved him and all but it was more timing than him. But I had the best intentions and I thought I had made a good choice. I don’t know what happened, I didn’t want to end things like this. I never thought that I’d be so fucking stupid, blind and wrong about anything like I was him.

Road to hell is paved with good intentions so they say.

Guess they were right.

Don’t look back in anger” that is all that you can say?
‘Cause anger’s all I got to keep me warm when you’re away
And I know that this is nothing new but tonight is all I know
Disconnect myself from your memory and never feel anything at all
To justify with all your words don’t mean anything to me
‘Cause I’ve cut you off

I sit here alone. Middle of the day, already half fucking drunk. He’s upstairs, already drunk and passed out.

Got me a card, telling me he is looking forward to another 15 years.

How can anyone be so blind? How many times have I tried to tell him it’s over. Just because I can’t handle fighting anymore, because I can’t help myself and want to be civil. I’m being friendly because I can’t even bring myself to get mad. I don’t care enough to bother. I treat him like a stranger. I don’t know how can he think that it’s anywhere near ok between us.

God I wish I hated him.

I want so much to throw the card in his face. Ask him how he can still live in such denial. I want to scream and cry, yell, throw things. Beg him to look at me. Really look. Remember when I was in love with him and I was happy. To look at me now and tell me that he still believes that. To look in my eyes and see see what he has done. That I’m not the person he married so many years ago on this day.

How much heartache can one person stand?

I want the divorce, I’m the one ending this. I’m the cheating whore. That doesn’t mean it is not hurting me. I did fucking love him. He failed me too. He broke his promises and lied over and over.

God I don’t want to talk about it anymore. There’s no way I can say it more clearly. It’s over. I can’t pretend that it is merely a rough patch. But it doesn’t matter if I say it a million times. He will never listen.

here we stand and face each other we’ve got nothing to say
A flashback to another time when silence was a welcome friend
Well I’m sorry I can never really say
All the things going on inside my head
Silence is a justified expression of my war now
Nothing’s like it was before